State of Mind

Forgetting Rust

"I dare you to break his heart."

How can you break what is not there?

"I dare you to make him cry."

How can the impossible be accomplished?

"I dare you to forget him."

Now you're just demanding too much.

Even if I wanted to, I could never forget him. Despite all the pain he inflicted on me, I cannot erase him. Despite all the heartache he pulled me through, I cannot delete him. Despite all the sorrow he left me, I cannot forget him. My memories will not allow me that luxury. Because, no matter how loud I scream at my reflection, demanding myself to throw every ounce of his existence from my mind, he remains.

He resides in parts of my memory that revolve around summer nights and blaring music. He occupies the spaces in the hippocampus of my brain where I keep images of lakes and trees stowed. I see his face whenever a love song plays on the radio and it's because I don't know how to forget how it felt to feel his body against mine. I still remember his birthday and his middle name and how we met. I remember it all...and I want to hate every bit of it.

But I can't.

I want to hate him. I want to hate his stupid name. I want to hate his stupid laugh. I want to hate the stupid way he smokes cigarettes. I want to hate his stupid walk. I want to hate his stupid talk, voice, tone. I want to hate it all and I should. I should hate him for everything he put me through, but in my heart of hearts, part of me still loves him.

I should stop associating summer nights and blaring music with him. I should disconnect him from images of lakes and trees. I should stop imagining him whenever a love song plays despite how it reminds me of how it felt to feel him. I should forget his birthday and middle name and how we met. I should completely delete him from every fiber of my being.

With my lips, I should erase the fact we ever kissed. I need to forget how our lips moved together when we sat at the lake that hot summer day. Every time I bite down on the flesh of my lip, I need to disconnect all thoughts of how he tasted when he probed my mouth. I have to.

With my hands, I should delete how warm his palm felt in mine. I need to wash away those memories of how his fingers intertwined with mine, our digits never quite fitting perfectly together. Maybe that should have been a sign. We didn't fit.

With my body, I should demolish how it felt to feel him against me. I need to forget how I felt when his body pressed against mine, his skin burning my own with each thrust he made. I should never associate those moments of lust with ones of purity because we were the sinners creeping in my bed. I thought I was stronger.

I need to tear him from every sense I have. I need to no longer lay my eyes on him. I mustn't allow his sweet words to seep into my ears. I shouldn't breathe in his scent when we pass each other on the street. I'll resist running my fingertips along his arms when I laugh at one of his stupid jokes. My tongue will remain in my mouth and my lips not clenched on his neck in passion. I will protect myself in the armor of my own strength.

At least, that is what I will tell myself.

In the end, regardless of all my attempts to pry his existence from myself, there will still be residuals of him left behind. Even after every cell in my body has renewed to one he has not touched, there is no way to rid him from my mind. As my body becomes new, he shall keep a residence in my thoughts. But, I will not fear that. Because, just as he haunts my memories like a ghost, a new love will root itself in the decayed remains of my feelings for him like trees in fertilizer and sprout. From there, my heart will heal, the memories of him fading until new ones of the next stand firm.

I will not remain broken forever. It will grow easier with each passing day and eventually I will pry him from me. In time, a new set of lips will latch onto my neck, their fingers digging into the meat of my hips. They will become associated with summer nights and blaring music. They will occupy the hippocampus of my brain where I keep images of lakes and trees stowed. I will see their face whenever a love song plays on the radio because I love how their body feels against mine. I will memorize their birthday and middle name and how we met.

I will retain all that because they will claim all the places he did. And unlike him, I will conquer those spaces in their minds. I hold no property in the depths of his thoughts, but I will in theirs. The right person will be where I lay my foundation. Together they and I will build a future while he rusts in the past.

So, I cannot just forget him because a past lust with him will be the embers a new love will blaze from.

© 2018 K.N. Herzner