State of Mind

Indiana

Dear Christopher,

I want you off my skin. I want you out of my mind. I want you to go and find a happiness that doesn't involve me...because I never was your happiness.

I never was the woman who crossed your mind when your friends asked who you thought was hot...because, let's be honest, none of them see beauty. I never was the woman who you dreamt about at night, the image of me causing your body to react in ways you tried to hide. I never was the woman whose birthday you remembered or the fact that I said I loved you. I never was the woman you could find comfort in and that is okay.

Some say that I should dismiss you from the very depths of my thoughts, but how can I do that when you're all I've known for nine years? Almost a decade. It feels crazy to say that. Nine years ago...I was only fifteen...dancing with my sister on a hot summer night. The music was raging around us, the smell of alcohol lingering in the air. I remember...I glanced up. There you were, dressed in all black from the cap on your head to the shorts that hung from your hips. You were staring at me. I didn't know your name, but I knew those deep brown eyes were locked on me. Until I met your stare, then you glimpsed away. You didn't cross my mind the rest of that night.

A week later, I was intrigued. I went to an event you were hosting though I didn't know it'd be you. You tried to teach me how to play poker that night. You also told me your name. You're nine months older than me. It seemed like so much then, but we were just kids. Just two kids being stupid. Well, one of us was.

The next day, you saw me walking and you joined me. Honestly, you were childish -you still are. But, you made me laugh and I liked that. I still like that. You walked and talked with me, then you asked for my number. We texted every day we were apart. Even the border between two states couldn't stop us from this mess. I sometimes wish it had.

At some point, you asked me out. It wasn't much. Just breakfast with you and your folks. They were nice and so were your grandparents. It was like they knew I was shy. No, they did know. They talked to me and didn't make me feel small. I still wish I could talk to them. I see your mom drive around whenever I'm here. I don't think she recognizes me anymore. That's okay...it's been a long time.

Still, images of us walking side by side, you cracking jokes...they stay with me. You walked me back home, but then we decided to visit the lake. I sometimes wish we would have never done that because I can't go there without thinking about you. I remember how we sat at the gazebo, the lake water splashing the shore just feet away. A boat was out in the distance, the people occasionally looking at us. We were only sitting and talking at first...then you kissed me. You kissed me, and my head spun. You weren't even my first kiss and you still made me feel that way.

And, I won't lie, looking back at all this I can see how I let my own naivety get the better of me. I was so young and blind to the world. I truly believed there was more to us, but we were only fifteen and sixteen. Neither of us had a thing figured out. But I do know this, in the end, what I feel is true.

After we left the lake, you held my hand. You laced your fingers with mine and my face flushed red. I was so surprised. I hadn't expected you to do that. Then again, when you wrapped your arms around my waist and lifted me off the ground, I hadn't expected that either. You made me feel so light when I was so self-conscious about being heavy. You made me feel noticed.

Then...you declared us a couple.

You were mine and I was yours. That was all that mattered. And we proudly displayed those facts. All your friends knew who I was to you. I was your girlfriend. At fifteen, that was a lot. It felt like the weight of the world, but with no repercussions. To fifteen-year-old me, that was enough.