State of Mind

Moonlit Dreams

I sometimes wish I knew how to sleep...because I miss dreaming. I miss closing my eyes and allowing my mind to drift into unconsciousness...because I forgot what that feels like. If only I could meditate and silence my thoughts...because I can't remember what a quiet mind is like. Wish I may, wish I might, the wish I make tonight will not come true...because I am doomed.

I stare up at the full moon hanging in the sky, basking in how its gentle glow casts a milky gleam over the landscape, chasing away some of the shadows. It's a large disk that is strung up in the twilight welkin, the small specks known as stars twinkling like tiny jewels around it. Besides a sparse few clouds weakly painted across the scene, it is a rather clear summer night. I wish I could say it's beautiful, but I've seen many nights like this...too many nights like this, really.

I sigh, "I wish I could sleep."

"Eww. Why would you want to do that?" Raven asks, her voice revealing a dash of disgust.

I close my eyes and jump up from my back and onto my feet, replying, "Why must you sound so repulsed over something as minuscule as the mention of sleep?"

"Because," she answers, "it's such a human necessity. Why would you want to do something as meaningless as that?"

Good question. Why do I want that? Why do I care about something as diminutive in importance such as sleep? That shouldn't matter to me. In fact, I shouldn't even be thinking about that, but maybe it's not just sleep that I miss.

"Dreams," I answer, not meeting her gaze.

"What?" she presses. "What the hell are you talking about, Dove?"

I turn to face her, my eyes colliding with her milky stare. "Dreams. I miss dreaming. I miss seeing the images that my mind used to create when I was young."

Raven scans me, her expression unreadable. Her thin lips are pressed in a hard line that is neither lifted nor drawn down. Her fair complexion is even and smooth, the shadows dancing across part of her face as the pale moonlight bathes the other half. Her short black hair is cascading down the sides of her countenance, falling at her shoulders. But of all Raven's features, one thing stands out. How undeniably young she looks. No older than twelve or thirteen. She must have been a prodigy...or just that unlucky.

"Dreams? You miss dreaming?" she asks, lifting a brow. "That's why you miss sleeping?"

I shrug, "Well, yes." I knit my brows in curiosity. "Don't...don't you miss that, Raven? I mean, you were only a child when you were selected for all this."

She thinks for a moment before answering, "No, can't say I do. As you said, I was so young, so I don't remember what it was like." She glances up at the sky. "Besides, from what I do recall from my past, I preferred being up at night, anyway. There has always just been something about the moon and stars that have intrigued me." A faint smile lifts the corners of her lips as she adds, "I guess you could say this is like a dream come true for me."

I can't help but frown. She was so young when she was selected for this. She was just a kid...and a kid shouldn't have to sacrifice their humanity to become what we are. She should have been allowed to live a perfectly natural life; one where she grew into a woman, her life evolving into adulthood. She should've gotten married, had children of her own, and grown into an old woman. Then, she should have been granted the freedom to draw her last breath and pass to the next plane. However, that was not the case. In the end, she had been denied all that...and even forgot what it's like to dream.

"Dove, why are you acting like this?" Raven asks abruptly. "It's not like you to suddenly discuss such unimportant matters. Are you alright?"

Her creamy gaze remains locked on me as I breathe, "I'm fine. I guess I just miss the past."

She lifts a brow. "You...miss the past? But, why? What was so great about the past?"

So young that it hurts. The fact that she's even asking me that is enough to break my heart. Or rather what remains of it, but she is genuine when she asks that question. She truly doesn't understand, though I can't blame her. How can I? Just like myself, she never asked for any of this.

I take a deep breath and ask, "Raven, I have a quick question for you."

"Hmm?" she hums. "What would that be?"

"How...how old were you when you were selected?" I swallow, almost nervous.

She lifts her stare as if thinking before replying, "I think I was twelve. I don't know for sure. I do know I was no younger than eleven and no older than thirteen." She brings that gaze to me. "Why?"

I smile sadly, "I see." I shove my hands into my pockets and sigh, "I was sixteen when I was chosen. They came in the night and told me that I had just a month before they'd return for me." I laugh halfheartedly and shake my head. "I thought it was a joke, but sure enough, a month later they took me. I was barely able to tell my parents goodbye...but I do remember seeing my mother cry. God...that was so long ago."

"How long ago?" she presses.

Another excellent question. How long ago had that been? It's currently 2018...what year was it when I was selected? I don't remember there being any mobile devices or anything like that. In fact, I don't even recall there being any cars. When was the first car invented? 1920? No. I feel the history of automobiles extends further than that. 1880 something? That feels correct. It feels more natural to say that.

"Anywhere between 1818 to 1828," I reply, confident in my answer.

"Wow," she snorts. "Almost a whole century before than me."

"That's right," I smile. "You were chosen sometime in the 1930s, right?"

She nods, "Yes." She pauses, her thoughts nearly writing themselves across her features. "So, you've been doing this for at least one hundred and ninety years?"

"Huh?" I ponder. "Has it been that long? Hmm. I guess so." I reach my arms up over my head and stretch, cracking my spine as I continue, "Sorry if I made the atmosphere dreary. I guess I let my thoughts get the better of me."

Raven hops up, the soles of her hefty boots knocking at the wood of the tree we are perched on. She draws the hood of her hoodie up and straightens her clothes, the shadows almost completely claiming her face. I observe her, well aware what her actions mean. I breathe in a deep breath and pull my own hood up, digging into my pocket. I fish out my cell phone and check the time. 3:03 in the morning.

"Is it about that time?" she questions, pulling the dagger from her holster.

"Indeed," I answer, sliding my phone back into my pocket. I glance down at her. "Are you ready?"

She glimpses up at me and smiles, "Duh. I'm always ready for a good slash." She takes a small step forward before pausing. "Hey, Dove?"

"Yes?" I glance at her.

She turns to face me, her lips once again pressed in that familiar line that I know too well and orders, "Don't go soft on me. Just because you miss your past doesn't mean I miss mine. Now, toughen up so we can take these bastards down." She narrows her eyes. "Got it?"

I flash her a demented grin as I reach for the blade strapped against my back. "Oh, I'm not soft." I scrape the edge of my blade against the tree bark. "You just worry about you and I'll worry about me."

She smiles, "That's more like it. That's the Dove I know. Now, come on."

She leaps into the air and lets gravity pull her to the ground, but I stay on the tree limb. I'm not quite as ready as I claim to be. Mainly because I want to feel the breeze blow my hair a little while longer. The smell of pine lingers in the gale, allowing my senses to dull. It's comforting...peaceful even.

I glance at the sky, my eyes meeting the moon overhead. Its faint gleam is still as taunting as ever...its silent laughter mocking me. Raven likes the moon...she likes the night. She doesn't miss her previous life and she doesn't care to learn more about it. Honestly, I wish I were more like her. Despite her young age, she was meant to do this, but me? I was never designed for this.

I miss my parents...I miss my innocence...I miss dreaming.

© 2018 K.N. Herzner