State of Mind

Dear X

My name is Mental Illness.

My hobbies include torturing you with insecurities and paranoia. I am interested in the demons you hide under your bed and the scars on your wrists. I want to learn more about the tears spilled on your pillow and the images you see but no one else does. I do not get along with the medication you take because it makes me feel unwanted and quite frankly, it gives you too much energy.

My best friend is Addiction.

We sometimes go together like peanut butter and jelly, but sometimes we rarely talk. Still, we are friends. Addiction likes to make random visits. You never know when he'll show up. Sometimes you take a puff of that cigarette and find it distasteful, but maybe one swig of liquor helps you deal with me. I guess I can be too much to handle at times. That must make Addiction your best friend too. We're all so close.

I like to play dress up. Some days I feel like wearing my depression collection while other days I prefer anxiety. Some days I go bold and wear both. Addiction plays with me too. He'll sometimes come wearing the alcoholism collection or other days he'll be dressed in self-harm. I've even seen his drug attire. He's so cool. But I have many different outfits besides just depression and anxiety. There are eating disorders -Addiction has that one too- and depersonalization-derealization disorder, borderline personality disorder, bipolar, schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and more. I have so many!

And I love spending time with you. My favorite moments are when we stay up together. Your tears and sobs are like music to my ears that ring through the air. It's such a pretty and heavenly melody. I like it when you stay up past the time your body tells you to. It makes me feel special knowing you're there. I like watching as you paint pretty pictures with the blades and I know you hide them. Why do you hide them? Addiction and I both think they're so nice.

Addiction likes bonding with you. He enjoys doing all the things with you regardless of what it is. We both just like spending time with you. We both want to spend all of eternity with you. Can we? Can we be best friends forever? Forever, forever? That'd be great!

But we don't like Death. Death comes unannounced and dares to take you away from us. Sometimes she comes wearing a dress made of accidents or one of suicide. Sometimes she comes wearing this ugly dress designed out of peacefulness. Addiction and I aren't fond of her. She ruins all the fun. She always comes along and takes our friends. It's not fair. She needs to find her own friends and stop taking ours.

You won't leave us, right?

You'll stay right here with us forever, right? Addiction and I love you so much. We want to hug you forever and ever and ever until you can't breathe anymore. Wait...that'll give Death the chance to take you away. Never mind. We'll hug you tight, but only enough to make you feel as if you'll die, but you won't. You'll just feel suffocated, like you can't breathe. Feeling is different than being. And don't worry. We know you love us too. We are all like one big family.

Hi. I'm Mental Illness and I want to be your best friend.

**Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Mental illness is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, please don't be afraid to reach out. You are loved.**

© 2018 K.N. Herzner