where the boats go | j. lewis

FIVE | DM

　

Her fingers hovered over the keyboard. A thin golden line blinked, as if urging her on.

Fortunately for Clary, ACT Preparation class, her final "lesson" of the day, was hardly more than a free period. At the beginning of the semester, the small class had gone over a few simple things, but now they rarely did more than chill out. The teacher, a serious-looking dark-haired woman who was actually one of the coolest teachers in the world, would pick something to watch on Netflix—usually Criminal Minds—and project it. Meanwhile, everyone was free to do as they pleased; for most, this meant playing on their cell phones.

Usually, Clary used this time to sleep. Today, however, her mind was alive with a forbidding electricity. She feared that her vitality had passed its peak and that she would never catch a wink of sleep again.

All throughout the day, needless to say, Clary's mind only had the capacity for one thing. Every chance she got, she checked the last DM she'd received from Judah, internally squealed, and allowed the warmth to consume her. Nothing could have ruined her day, except maybe for the occasional bite of insecurity that said she would bore him and lose all chances at earning his friendship.

Not wanting to make any mistakes, Clary resorted to spending her free time listing every single song she liked in her notes. She even separated them by genre, then by artist, and ruled out the ones she thought she could live without as she progressed.

Toward the end of class, Clary had probably listed a hundred songs. She stared at them, nervously. She didn't want to overload him with too many suggestions. She couldn't help but to view the whole thing as extremely fragile: Judah was a celebrity, and Clary was sure that if she had any chance of communicating with him for more than a short period of time, it hung over her head by a single thread. She didn't know the limits, barriers, anything that would sever that thread.

Deciding to play it safe, Clary, with trembling fingers, directed the screen of her phone to her and Judah Lewis' DMs. She gazed at it for a while, the same effortless smile she'd sported all day finding its way back to her face, and for the millionth time tried to truly process it. She wished that she could consider it with ease—Judah was a normal boy, even if he was well-known—but having a sliver of an impossible dream become a reality was not that easy to swallow.

Hoping for the best—that Judah would see her messages and respond, that he would like her suggestions, that she wouldn't scare him off in any way—she chose five artists and the first song listed under their names.

　
1. apocalypse by cigarettes
after sex. 2. all these things that
i've done by the killers. 3. use
somebody by kings of leon. 4.
yes i'm changing by tame impala.
and 5. ruby by twenty one pilots

please love them

　
Sent. Delivered.

Clary drew in a deep breath, clicked the power button on her phone, and rested her head in the cradle of her arms. Now she waited. Her mind raced with several possibilities. Maybe Judah would actually listen to the songs. Maybe he'd continue to DM Clary—though she seriously doubted it. Or maybe he would never see the DMs, for he had only been thanking her and had not ever intended to befriend her at all, but he'd been inclined to act as though he had out of kindness, and really Clary had already proved herself to be too expectant, a nuisance, nothing but a mindless fan—

The desk beneath Clary's arms vibrated. Heart beating at a sickening pace, Clary took her time to check her phone. Obviously, she wanted to find that Judah had messaged her, but she did not dare admit to herself how deeply she was hoping. She would only be setting herself up for disappointment.

She brought the screen to life, and inhaled sharply.

　
(clarissarockland): judah_lewis: I was wondering when you'd come through. Kept me waiting long enough 😂
　

Clary allowed herself half a minute to gather her wits about her. She felt like crying. It felt like waking from an amazing and vivid dream, one that left you wondering, later on, what had been true and what had been created, except this time the greatest part was real. Reading over the first messages had held a dreamlike quality, but now that haziness was melting away.

Instead of admitting the long process of choosing the songs or any of her insecurities, Clary responded:
　

good things come to those who
wait 🤫

　
Almost instantly, he replied:
　

judah_lewis: That emoji is terrifying 😂
　

Clary's smile was spreading like fire to gas. She felt a bit lighter, less afraid, when she typed her response.
　

that's why i LOVE it 🤫🤫🤫

now listen to the music and let
me know what you think

　
judah_lewis: I'm listening to Apocalypse right now and MY GOD. This is the most calming thing I've ever heard
　

that one's actually been my
school alarm for a couple of
months and i don't hate the
sound of it at all

if that doesn't say something,
i don't know what does

　
judah_lewis: Now THAT is when you know you've found a good song!!!

　
Suddenly, the bell blared, and Clary, who was always prepared to leave class half an hour in advance, was caught by surprise. She stuffed her phone into her back pocket and got to her feet, throwing her backpack over her shoulder; most of the class had already gone.

Clary tried to hide her smile as she drifted toward the door. Before she could leave, the teacher said, "Smile looks good on you, doll."

Clary felt her cheeks start to burn. She had not considered whether anyone had noticed how quietly giddy she was. She flashed a shy grin at the kind woman, laughed out her thanks, and swept into the filling hall, knowing, with an unexplainable happiness, that a message from Judah Lewis himself awaited her.

　
|

　
so i suppose you should all know that this story was based loosely from fact. judah did, indeed, respond to several of my comments on a live a while ago, and i did suggest 'you' to him, and he did write it down. he never did say whether he'd listened to it, though - up until a few days ago. i asked him ab it, and he actually told me he'd listened to it and that it was a great song. so yeah! i can die happy now. ❤️

　
10.21.18