The Pursuit of Felicity

{ Chapter 15 }

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I never really see Cam around and it makes me feel grateful. I really shouldn't, though because I wouldn't be avoiding him if I didn't mess up as badly as I did. It's been a week since I walked out on him and everyday, it seems harder and harder to not reach out. My friends have basically been giving me the cold shoulder. I understand why. Gen's being less harsh about it than Mel, who I feel is more mad because she thought I was changing for Cam. My sister won't even return my calls because of what I did. So I'm feeling it from everyone, really.

Most days, I spend my time studying, which is what I did before Cam really came into the picture. I forgot what it feels like to be alone and it makes me feel pathetic. But I think that it's especially bad now because I have no one who'll endure a conversation with me. It gets to a point where I consider texting Rex in hopes of having a casual conversation. Then I realize that I'm not that desperate. It seems as though all of my time is passed in the library, where I've found a pretty abandoned corner to hideout in for hours at a time. I go straight there after work and then head home at around 10 o'clock, just to start over again the next day. It feels good to have a routine but it'd be better if people didn't hate me.

I leave the library early on Friday night in hopes of maybe making plans with Gen and Mel. It's been a week and I think it's a good enough amount of time to cool off. Maybe we can have a movie marathon or something. As I enter the apartment and walk down the hall, I hear a group of voices. Despite my gut telling me not to, I continue on and slow to a stop in the doorway, where I find Ashton and Axel sitting alongside my friends on the couches. They look at me and I quickly step back and duck into my room, feeling slightly ashamed. They probably hate me, too. I wouldn't be surprised if all of them were in there trash talking me. It's not like I don't deserve it.

I lay in bed and wonder what Cam's up to. He's probably doing homework or maybe he's found a girl to help him pass the time. The thought makes my stomach clench and I force myself to endure the discomfort. It's what I deserve. I allow my mind to fill with thoughts of Cam, but its not like it usually isn't brimming with the idea of him. He probably hates me. I don't blame him. If the roles were reversed, I'd probably hate me, too. In fact, I don't even have to be him to hate me; I just do it regularly. I stare up at the ceiling and sigh. Now I really have nothing to do.

The next week flies by similar to the previous one, except my friends actually start talking to me again. Though its limited, they try their best and I'm grateful for it. We eat dinner together and it's no longer awkward. Conversation is actually made and they eventually start feeling comfortable enough to mention the guys again. I'm just relieved that they're no longer ignoring me. It was a long two weeks without Cameron, but it seemed even longer without my friends.

On Friday night, Mel comes into my room, where I've been holed up watching Netflix for the last few hours. She raises a brow when she sees the state of my living area, which is messier than it's ever been. Quickly, she regains herself and points over her shoulder. "Uh, we were thinking about going out tonight. Do you want to come? One last party before break?" she questions and I swallow nervously. I want to ask if the guys are going to be there. I want to see Cam but I know better than to do that. I don't want to put him in that situation; that'd be selfish of me. She seems to sense the reason for my hesitation because she tilts her head. "Axel and Ashton are going to be there." When she sees my nervous gaze, she slowly shakes her head. Cameron is not.

"Okay," I respond. Maybe Ashton and Axel don't hate me and will update me on how Cam's doing.

Once I'm dressed and ready, I meet my friends in the living room, where we call a ride and wait. Axel and Ashton are getting dropped off so we can't ride with them, which doesn't bother me at all but the girls seem a little upset. It isn't until we're at the party for 20 minutes that the guys arrive and approach us. I feel my stomach clench when I realize that I have to face them. This is going to be awkward.