The Pursuit of Felicity

{ Chapter 16 }

hi guys. i know this was long overdue but read my authors note in the last chapter of Poison and i think you'll understand. it's a lot to retype and i don't want to take away from the chapter by posting it. buttttttt yeah, enjoy :) 

I was under the impression that spending time with my sisters would help me feel better. It didn't. All they talked about was who they were dating or who they had crushes on. Though my younger sisters are all single, my older sisters felt the need to share about all the dates they've been on and the people that they like. When it's my turn to share, I just offer a weak shrug and insist on listening to them go on and on about the guys they're with. Nola shoots me sympathetic glances, though it doesn't help very much.

Another thing that really doesn't help is my hyper-awareness of the date. It's been 35 days since I last talked to Cam. I feel pathetic for keeping count but it helps me to keep a grip on things. My sisters and I slow to a stop outside of my building, where they pile out of the car with intentions of hugging me. I return each one and let my grip linger on Nola, who reminds me that she'll miss me and that she'll see me again in December. I watch their car leave and, even though it wasn't the most enjoyable week, it was a safer place than here- where I can run into Cam at any moment.

I lug my bag up the steps as I think about how many days there are until December break. Maybe I'll be over Cam by then. Or maybe it'll be just as bad as it is now, because the only thing I want to do in this moment is walk over to his apartment and see if he got back safe. I know better though and I'm aware that all of this could've been avoided. Once again, this is all my fault.

The week goes by rather fast. Gen and Mel move in later on Sunday and we all order take out because none of us feeling like cooking. I return to my previous routine for the weekdays- class, work, library, repeat. When Friday comes around, I decide to take Nola up on one of her suggestions. While I was home, she said that maybe surrounding myself with some new people will help me to move on. Only hanging out with Mel and Gen, who are actively involved with Cam's friends, is only making things worse. So I decide to reach out. I see a girl I have a few classes with post about a party she's throwing and I force myself to ask if its open invite. Just like I expected, she insists I come so I prepare for the night ahead of me.

So here I am, brushing my hair and staring at myself in the mirror. The last thing I want to do is go out. I want to lay in bed and watch Netflix and be sad by myself, but I've done enough of that. I forced myself to do a lot of things today; I deep cleaned my room instead of going to the library and I also did my laundry, which has been piling up for a while. I decide that I look decent enough and call myself a ride. I didn't bother extending the invitation to my friends for two reasons: I'm supposed to be going out with new people, and they're hanging out with the guys tonight. I also don't need them judging me if I decide that maybe I'll try to put myself out there again. I doubt it'll happen but maybe I'll at least make some friends.

I meet up with the girl, Jacey, and she introduces me to a few of her friends, all of whom are girls who pregamed and are drunk. Perhaps its due to their inebriation, but they treat me as if I'm one of them and it makes me feel comfortable. After a bit of urging from them, I join in on the drinking but try to limit myself. The last thing I want to do is get really drunk and struggle to get myself home.

I'm having fun but it's not the kind of fun I want. Its temporary fun because come morning time, these girls won't remember who I am and I'll be just another face around campus that they vaguely remember hanging out with. I'll probably talk to Jacey once or twice before we eventually fall off again and that'll be the end of that. I let out a sad sigh as I finish off my drink. I turn to look for the girls and find them grinding on one another in a crowd of people. Deciding that the party scene is no longer my scene, I search for Jacey and spot her in the corner talking to a guy. I stand up and immediately feel the drink I just finished hit me. I exhale slowly and struggle to narrow my vision. Jacey sees me and I nod at her before pointing to the door. After offering me a hesitant thumbs up, which I confidently return, she smiles and then returns to her conversation.