Letting Go of Jamie

Chapter 5: Use Caution When Handling

Chapter 5:  Use Caution When Handling

The next day I stayed home.

 I wasn’t sure if it was because Kat was scared I would have an ‘episode’ in the middle of class, or the fact that I looked like total crap, but I was thankful. I was not in the mood to deal with anyone today, and if one of the Populars would have tried something, someone would have a broken jaw.

 But thankfully my Aunt has some common sense and let me skip, reason #79 why I loved my Aunt. Though I was home, I was still haunted. I had never had an episode like that before, and my Aunt called it a panic attack, but I didn’t feel panicked. I felt lonely, and hurt and just over all a huge, aching hole in my heart, like someone was squeezing it. Which I guess, when you think about it, sounds like a panic attack.

 I had no idea why the dreams and memories were coming in such force. First I nearly pass out on my first day of school, and now I’m having emotionally scarring dreams. Living here was supposed to make all those bad memories and thoughts go away, so I could find some peace for once. But this stay only seemed to make them worse. 

 So I spent my free day cleaning my room and the rest of the house, trying to keep my mind off a certain subject. The peculiar thing was though, that whenever I stopped thinking of Jamie, I thought of Matthew. Which was strange considering I had only met him once and I didn’t even know his last name. Even after my promise to myself to leave him alone, I could not help think of his tousled black hair, or his big, blue eyes framed by thick, black glasses.

 Though I had made a promise to myself, it seemed like a better idea to think about a guy I barely knew, than my dead brother. Neither one was a nice choice, but Matthew was of the two lesser evils.

 So that is how I spent my day, cleaning and thinking of Matt, only letting a tear slip whenever something reminded me of Jamie.

 That night I had a hard time falling asleep, I mean, just the thought of seeing anyone from the outside world made me scared. But I had to be strong, for Jamie and for myself.

 I could not be weak.

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 “Hey Nerd, what have you got for us today?” said Trent.

 “I don’t have anything to give you Trent.” Said Matt, in his soft, deep voice.

 “Oh, I’m sure you do. Now hand over your cash Twerp.” Said Trent, thrusting his hand in front of Matt’s face. I was starting to get really sick of this crap, to hell with my promise. I slammed my locker and walked across the hall, to where Trent was cornering Matt at his locker.

 “Hey Trent, why don’t you try backing the fuck off.” I said as I stepped in front of Matt. He cowered behind me, looking over my shoulder, even though he was taller than me.

 “Why don’t you fuck off bitch? I’m busy here.” He told me, trying to intimidate me. I quirked an eyebrow and took a wide stance.

 “Why don’t I kick your ass?”

 “You better watch yourself bitch, even if you are a girl, I’m not above beating you.”

 Now that made me angry. I have fought men twice his size and won, and I guess my anger showed in my eyes, because Trent did not seem all that confident all of a sudden.

 “You better watch yourself boy, because you’re precariously close to getting my boot so far up your ass, you’ll be tasting rubber for a week.” I threatened, bringing out my bad-ass aura as my old friends called it. I could see Trent torn between being utterly pissed and scared shitless. If Matt’s shaking behind me was any indication, I was looking pretty scary.

 “I’m going to let you off with a warning today girl, but I won’t be so kind next time. C’mon guys, let’s leave the lovebirds to it” He told me with a sneer, though I could see the fear in his eyes. I had a few choice words to reply with, but I couldn’t exactly fight the douche bag in the middle of the hallway, not to mention I could not afford anymore black marks on my record.

 I watched him walk off, glaring into his back until he turned a corner and was gone. I then turned back around to see Matt, shaking in his shoes.

 “You okay?” I asked a bit more gruffly than I had intended. He simply nodded and ran off as the bell rang above us. I sighed and made my way to class.

 When I entered first period, I saw Matt in the far corner in the room, writing something in a notebook. I took the seat next to him and took out all my stuff. When Mrs. What’s-her-face started lecturing, I ripped part of a piece of paper and wrote a note on it, tossing it onto Matt’s desk.

 Why won’t you talk to me? I am just scary or what?

 He didn’t look at it immediately, but after 5 minutes, I guess the curiosity killed him and he opened it discreetly under his desk. He scowled at the note, and I thought it made his face look slightly unattractive…

 Five minutes later a crumpled note flew onto my desk as I was writing. I waited for Mrs. What’s-her-face to turn around before I opened it.

 You’re not scary, Trent’s scary. You’re just intimidating.

 I smiled and looked at him. He had a small blush crawling up his neck and he hid his face between his books and his shaggy hair. Well, at least I knew I didn’t terrify him. Just, intimidated…

 Why am I intimidating instead of scary? I could do a lot more damage than Trent ever could.

 He frowned and scribbled down an answer and threw it back, never looking at me.

 You don’t hurt people though; you’ve done nothing but defend me. Trent on the other hand…

 I was speechless. I thought everyone here thought I was some sort of murderer, which was the look I was aiming for, but still.

 You never know, I could turn out to be a huge bitch.

 He looked at it, and then looked at me, finally. His look was like a reprimand, like I should be ashamed for thinking myself a bitch. I felt actual shame and quickly looked down at my desk. What was wrong with me! First I can’t help but think of him a lot, and then I get ashamed just from one hard look from him. I have starred down men with so many piercings and tattoos, they look like a circus show. And now I was getting all wimpy over this shy guy! I shook my head, literally and figuratively, and looked at the note he sent me.

 You won’t. We both know you won’t.

 he bell rang and he got up fast and left just as quickly.

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 The week passed and I had no more contact with Matthew. Besides defending him occasionally from Trent and his posse, I avoided Matt. He did things to me that no one else had made me feel. I barely fucking knew the guy and I got butterflies whenever I saw him. I was turning into a complete chick. I’ve never really entertained the idea of having a boyfriend. I was always too busy and then when Jamie passed…

 Whatever, I could get through this; I just had to keep strong. I was Tabitha Rose! Kick ass fighter and cold stone jack-ass. I didn’t take shit from anyone and I was called the ‘Bloody Rose’ back home for a reason.

 I just had to avoid Matthew at all costs…