fake [s.m] (REWRITE)

chapter twenty-three

[anya steinburg]
-

my dearest anya rose,

my hands shook wildly; the slightly crinkled piece of paper with his handwriting inked on it grasped in my fingers. i felt him next to me, his arms around my waist, and his chin tucked on my shoulder, feeling his stubble scratch gently at my jaw, something i used to love so deeply.

the two words 'i'm sorry' are simply not enough for what i have to say. i know saying sorry is not enough, but i will say that i am deeply sorry, because that's just it. i'm sorry.

my eyes look up, and it's like his eyes are boring into mine. his golden, green, hazel, chestnut, colour changing eyes boring into mine, making me feel all these different emotions at once. he was right in front of me, so close, yet so far.

i screwed up, so bad. i know. i couldn't even put together an apology because it's that unforgivable. i don't care if you don't forgive me, but i want to write you this to explain exactly how i felt, how i feel, and how i will feel in due course.

he was right here, his breath was stuck around me, his smell allured my figure, he was stuck in the air. i saw him and i walking around together, laughing, talking, kissing, enjoying each other's presence.

when you told me there was another man, i was heartbroken. at the time, i didn't know the truth, so all i felt was the numbing presence of love. i knew i was in love with you, anya. i knew that you were the one for me, but those words that came out of your mouth broke me down completely.

i choke out a quiet cry, nothing but guilt running through me. i should've just told him the truth, no matter what.

then, world war three kicked off. i got angry, i had lost you. i didn't want to lose you at all, and i let myself take out my anger and emotions on you. it was selfish, and i didn't think about the consequences. anya rose, i am so sorry for everything i did to you.

i scan my eyes over the letter, seeing dried tears smudging the fresh ink, making me immediately realise shawn was crying when he wrote this.

i came up to your room earlier. i saw you sleeping. it was a few hours after our run in on the streets, you finally told me the truth. you looked incredibly stunning, even though you had probably cried yourself to sleep. i sat with you for a little while, and i spilled my heart out. anya, i love you. i'm so desperately in love with you, it's insane. i know we've only properly been together for a little while, but i'm infatuated with everything about you, i'm completely mesmerised by you. my mind is constantly thinking about you, and i wouldn't want it any way differently.

i feel my heart leap in my chest, as i let the tears escape my eyes and roll down my cheeks, one by one, each tear bringing another one with it. i felt his hands on my hands.

this is the reason why i have to let you go. i told you why, when you were sleeping, but i'm going to say it again. i'm letting you go, anya. you deserve a crazy romance, one in which your significant other respects you, and treats you with all the respect i could never give you. you deserve a fairytale love, you deserve your very own prince charming, you deserve more than me, and i don't know if i can still go on without you being happy. find someone who gives you all the happiness i took away from you.

i could feel shawns hands on my cheeks, wiping away my tears with the smooth pads of his thumbs. i could smell his aftershave, which never failed to make me weak at the knees, and which also never failed to calm me down more than anything. he was holding me.

i crave you, anya. i love you. but i want you to find someone who truly makes you happy, because you deserve it. i want you to be happy for the rest of your life, i don't want to see another frown on your face, or tears running down your perfectly rosy cheeks. anya rose, i miss you.

i miss your smile, i miss your touch, i miss waking up and seeing your face smiling at me. i miss seeing you happy, i miss going on late night adventures with you, i miss your embrace, i miss your kisses.

go to your parents house exactly one week after reading this letter. i've sorted everything out anya, you can walk around without being threatened.

i love you, my gorgeous girl. i will always love you.

i love you, anya.
shawn.

my mind was still stuck on his.
-
later on in the day, i found myself sat at the kitchen table of camilas house, scrolling through photos of shawn and i over the past few months. i can vividly remember every single photo being taken, and what exactly happened on that day.

"that's such a pretty photo," camila notices, looking down at my phone wallpaper. i smile sadly, looking down at it.

"i should really change my wallpaper," i sigh, seeing shawns smile goofing down to my eyes, both of us staring at each other, whilst tanning on an empty stage.

"you miss him, don't you?"

"is it okay for me to even miss him?" i ask, completely and utterly confused. "i really don't want to miss him, but my mind is playing tricks on me."

"did you love him?"

"i mean-" i cut myself off with a sigh, balling my jumper sleeves in my fists. "he was always on my mind, still is on my mind. i guess so."

"anya i know you've admitted it," camila says to me softly. "you really do love him, so why stop love? he's gonna get everything fixed."

"it's not just that, mila," i sigh again, looking up from the table. "it's the fact that i don't even know if he trusts me, i don't know if i trust myself. i've broken his heart twice, camila, twice."

"don't blame what happened on yourself, he was the one who decided to overemphasise the situation," camila reminds me. "i'm not defending him in any way, but please don't turn your back on love if you're certain."

"he's got his show tonight, hasn't he?"

"yeah," she nods, looking at me curiously. "why?"

"i'm gonna book an uber to staples centre, are you coming or not?"