fake [s.m] (REWRITE)

chapter twenty-eight

[anya rose steinburg]
-

do you ever just feel simply lost? lost to the point that you don't even know what's going on around you, but you still stay in one place, whether you like it or not. lost to the point you have an out of body experience without even falling asleep. lost in a good way?

don't get me wrong, being with shawn was amazing. it is amazing. it's like a breather that i need away from life, but it does have some differences which i'm not used to.

like the fact that he's stressed. anyone who has a sense of normality in them, would completely understand that shawn was 100% stressed. it scared me sometimes, but i knew that shawn had his own way with dealing with things, and i had to respect that. his own management didn't want him to have a girlfriend, when he was hopelessly falling in love with me. he has to hide us away from the world, which i know he really doesn't want to do. at all.

but all of his emotions made me feel lost. he didn't know exactly how to control his feelings yet, and most of all, when he got too stressed, he would lash out on me.

it wasn't completely filled with anger, but it was the small things; sitting away from each other whilst watching a film instead of wrapped up in each other's embrace, small nods of acknowledgement in the morning, instead of saying good morning with a small kiss, little scoffs if i bring something up, not holding me at night.

and it's all because he's stressed.

"shawn, what do you want for lu-"

"can you just not talk for a second? i'm trying to work," shawn mutters, typing away at his laptop, seated at the dining table.

"shawn-"

"shh," he says, making me roll my eyes. "don't roll your eyes at me."

"don't be rude to me," i shoot back, folding my arms against my chest. "what's up with you? you're being-"

"i'm being what? concerned about my career? because yeah, i am!" he yells, making me jump slightly. he sighs loudly, clenching his jaw, and shutting his laptop. "look, maybe we shouldn't be doing this."

"what the fuck, shawn?" i ask him, the hurt evident in my voice. "why?"

"because it isn't working! we don't work!" he snaps at me, standing up from the table. "come on anya, we haven't left this fucking condo for the past three weeks! we can't even leave the condo together because i'm too scared someone will see us and then my management will find out we're together."

"that's not my fault, so don't try to break my heart because of someone else completely away from us," i say back to him, shaking my head. "shut the fuck up shawn."

"why are you telling me to shut up when you know i'm telling the truth? don't be so offended." he shouts, making my eyes burn with tears. i feel the lump settle in my throat, and i quickly swallow it down, shaking my head.

"i'm offended because you haven't even been treating me like your girlfriend for the past three weeks! it's like you don't even acknowledge me. y-you say you're crazy about me over and over again but why can't you just show it?" i spill out, my voice cracking. "i came here to spend time with you. to spend long nights with you. to try an unlock another level of you, but now you're making me think that it wasn't even worth my time." shawns face falls, and i can see the guilt crowd his features.

"anya-"

"just forget it," i mumble, picking up my cup of coffee, and walking back into the main bedroom, shutting the door behind me.

i quickly wipe my eyes, not wanting to cry about this, and not wanting to let my guard down, especially when shawns still in the other room. i let out a shaky sigh, before deciding to make the bed, which still hasn't been made from the morning.