Chasing Amy (Complete)

6

TW for sexual assault btw. This is also a very emotional chapter so wear your seatbelt and know that none of this is from personal experience and this chapter was very hard to write considering I don't know what I'm doing.
"There's one small thing about my past that only one person knows, though. And I feel like I need to open up about this," I say to Tris. She looks up at me, which is insane, considering we're practically the same height. Except I'm wearing heels, and she is not.
     "I think you might have to sit down for this story."
     "What is it? What happened?" Tris asks. I can tell by her wavering voice that she is worried, and I don't blame her.
     "You know that Marcus is abusive, right? He almost killed Evelyn when he found out she was having an affair... with me," I say. Tris's eyes drill into mine. They're beautiful, blue like a lake in the mountains from my history textbooks.
      "Well, he chased her out of the house, but he tracked me down. And he... he did something really bad, Tris. And I have never told anyone!" I say quietly.
      "What did he do?" Tris asks.
      "Marcus sexually assaulted me when I was 28. It's been almost twenty years, but I was terrified when you held the knife to my neck, because, well... he did this." I wrap my hand around Tris' neck. Very lightly, though. Nothing like Marcus's hand, choking me, preventing me from screaming for help. "And that wasn't the only time he raped me. Marcus would kidnap me almost every night for a month and take advantage of me while his son was asleep." I drop my hands into my lap and fight back tears.
      "And Evelyn doesn't know?" Tris asks. I shake my head.
     "And she can't," I say. Tris chews on the inside of her cheek, then carefully puts her arm around my shoulder. "I don't want you to treat me like a delicate porcelain doll, okay? I'm still me."
      "Okay."
      A single tear rolls down my cheek. That was the first time I've ever opened up to anyone about my history with sexual assault. I wrap my arms around Tris and cry onto her shoulder like a little child seeking comfort after having a nightmare. I sit up straight again, and Tris pushes my hair behind my ear.
      "I think it's good that you finally had the courage to talk to someone about that," She says. I smile slightly.
      "It was partially my lack of courage, but it was also that I was so alone. I don't have anyone to tell. I've been all alone practically my whole life. I've had a few flings with some people every now and then, but none of them lasted for more than a month," I say. "I guess... I've never been in a real relationship, Tris."
     "That's... I'm so sorry, Jeanine. But hopefully our relationship will last," Tris says kindly, planting a kiss on my forehead. The soft, loving gesture sends me over the edge, and I burst into tears once again. I lean over, resting my head on Tris's lap. She pats my head, then pulls my head up so that our eyes meet. I smile lightly and she kisses me on the lips.
"I'll always be here for you, okay? Don't forget that," Tris says.
"I love you, Tris," I say. Tris blushes.
"I love you too, Jeanine." She says. "Oh my god! That's the first time we said I love you!"
I smile, and I'm finally sure. I don't want to be with Evelyn anymore. I want to be with Tris. And I think she wants to be with me. Suddenly, her smile drops.
"What will my father think?" Tris whispers. It feels like all the air has been kicked out of my lungs. I was together with Andrew before he left Erudite, but that was before I knew who I really am. "He's hated you since I can remember."
      "He didn't always hate me," I say, instantly regretting it.
      "What do you mean?" Tris asks.
      "It's... well..." I don't know how to tell her that I was dating her father. "We kind of dated when we were in school. When he was still Erudite."
      Tris laughs. I know she doesn't believe me, and if she asked Andrew then he would deny ever having had a relationship with me, but it happened. I remember it vividly.
      "Wait. Why aren't you laughing? We're you not joking?" I shake my head. "Uhm... what the fuck?"
      "Yeah. It was before I knew I was gay," I answer. Tris chews on the inside of her cheek.
      "I might have to think about this," she says, walking over to her apartment door and opening it. "I'll see you around, Jeanine."
      "Goodbye, Beatrice."
       I walk out of the room, trying not to cry again, and hear Tris's small voice calling after me.
      "It's Tris!"