Disorientation

Chapter Twelve

The following week I felt dead inside, literally dead. I just didn't know what to do with myself, I felt alone in this world. I sighed as I sprayed my hair and combed it. I left it down and stared at myself in the mirror. 

'You look nice, where you off to?' The voice asked. I shook my head and covered my ears. This voice has been around frequently, and it wouldn't go away now. It was like it was here to stay. 

"I don't wanna talk to you, leave me alone." I said. 

'Tryna impress Z? Maybe Grey Eyes, hmm?' 

"Go away." I whispered. The voice laughed and disappeared. I took a deep breath and went to my draws. I pulled out my chain and hoop earrings. I sprayed some perfume and took a good look at myself. Too much? Too little? I didn't even know about today, I just wanted to be accepted. There was a knock at the door shortly after. 

"Come in." I said. The door opened and Riana's head popped through. 

"C'mon, we have to go." I nodded and grabbed my phone. As we all left the house the wind blew ferociously. Bad day to wear a dress/skirt I see. We got in the car and buckled up. Mum started the engine and began to drive. 

"When we get there I want you both to be respectful," she said. We both nodded. It was the day of Tanisha's funeral, and mum was more than stressed. I didn't know how I was gonna get through today, but I guess I had to be reserved around Tanisha's family, they'll all be emotional. I looked out the window and thought for a while. After seeing that disgusting video of myself I was lost for words, and still am. I just can't believe I'd do something like that. I made a mental note to ask Shankz more about my life when I saw him on Monday. 

"When does it finish?" Riana asked mum, who was focused on the road by the looks of it. 

"Whenever. I'm not sure if we'll stay for the whole thing, we just have to pay our respects." Mum replied quietly. Tanisha's death had hit mum hard. When I heard about it last week I cried. It had finally occurred to me that I didn't get a chance to actually connect with her, or experience how she used to be before the cancer spread. It seems like everyone is disappearing off the face of the earth slowly. When we got there the room was packed. Negative energy filled the air and people were crying already. We went and sat near the back and on the seats were a booklet of hymns and pictures of her. The door opened and I looked back to see Kayden and that girl I saw in Footlocker that time, the worker. She looked stunning, even wearing a simple dress, she was really pretty. They both sat at the front and I went through the booklet. It was weird seeing Tanisha in a different light from all these pictures, when she was actually well. She looked exactly like Kayden's mum, it was remarkable, maybe they were twins or something. The best picture of all was the one right at the front. I had seen it before when I went to see uncle Trey at their house, the picture hung in the living-room. The reverend began to talk, as he did I looked around. Plenty people were about, all sat quietly and listening. After he said some words we had to stand and sing the hymns from the booklet. The songs reminded me of her somehow, I let a few tears drop as I sang. Riana wiped the tear away from my eye and continued to sing herself. The hymns were touching, something I could listen to over and over again. The way everyone sang in sync felt special. I bet if Tanisha heard right now she'd be smiling in appreciation. The speeches begun, and different people got up. I felt upset when Kayden's mum cried as she spoke but eventually she broke down, and was led outside. I felt my phone vibrate and looked at the text from Armani.

-Where r u? Holla bck, I'm bored!

Mum nudged me and gave me a stern look. I apologised and turned my phone off then put it away. I looked towards the front and realised Kayden was stood there speaking, and pouring his heart out.