late night thoughts - essays

21:53

I have found myself getting bored of most things that I try to do. I try writing, singing, dancing, fucking, yet i lose interest extremely fast. I have no idea why this is but it always happens.

When i was younger and i started a soon to be shit job at a local wendy's it took me about a year to get tired of it. Not only was the pay shit. But i had to say i was gonna quit in order to get it. You see i was doing full time work without pay because i was a young kid to them and apparently i didn't need it regardless of whether or not they knew my situation. Also the white folk that worked there were racist but would say " I am very open minded actually" which was a whole pile and a half of shit. They made countless jokes about hispanics being on welfare and blacks being ghetto but - let someone make a single joke about them and they lost it. You see i quit after one of the managers got hype with me, and i also got a job at a damn deli in a even more racist supermarket. You guys may go to this supermarket(if you live in pennsylvania that is) and honestly you guys should stop. It is such a sexist, and racist place. I was literally the fifth dark person there. I was so damn tired of hearing whites swear they knew all about my culture and that this country should just have one language. I was also tired of that one white boy saying i was obsessed with him because i reported him to one of our managers for harassment. Some boy really swear they are the last coke of the desert. This boy literally would slam stuff in front of me at work, make jokes about me, mock my voice as i helped customers, and flirted with the 17 year olds of the supermarket. Though since i reported him I was the bad guy, right? The one manager spoke to me and said that unless i wrote out a whole essay on tis harassment that he wasn't gonna do anything because if it wasn't written it didn't happen. He is so good at his job right? Wonderful.

You see now i work at a nursing and rehab center that i am now starting to hate. I love the residents that i help and some of the people that i work with, you know you are never gonna like 100 percent of the people you work with. The management in that place is shit. They yell at you if just got there for your shift and you have a cup of coffee in your hand. The one time i got a write up because i had gotten to the second floor and i was walking towards our little private kitchen with my coffee in my hand- i know a crime. Then I got called into the office for being late so many times but in reality i was just being late 1 or two minutes. You see third shift sometimes clocks out as i'm trying to get to the machine or residents that are awake start talking to me because they like me. The management also focuses on stuff that has little to no importance. Like i get it ma, it is a sin to have your phone in your pocket when you are a 19 year old in 2018, tragic we know. Though it is stupider to think that your employees are gonna be 100 percent when you are paying activities more you are paying your nursing staff. Great choice they made. You see if the activities girls were breaking their back helping to get residents ready or giving them medicine i would understand but all they do ius color with the residents and hold stupid little meetings that go nowhere because the management does whatever they want.

Now let's go back to the first part of this writing. Why does one lose interest in what they liked? I like helping people like i said but the fact that i am losing the ambition that i had in my first week there is sad and very burdensome. How would someone get that back. I love and hate my job and i think that i way too sad. Someone should create a magic pill to make one love their job or to at least match the love for doing that to the ambition to go. Due to my loss of ambition i have started slacking at my job and that i hate because i am dealing with someone's family member and i cannot fail them. I have to take good care of that person, i like i decided to do when i went to school for his. Like how teachers want to do that until they get into a classroom and they start being really bad teachers. Why does that happen?

You see my mother was a teacher, and at a private school at that, and she too lost interest in it. She quit being a teacher because she just couldn't stand the kids anymore. She did not like waking up early as heck to do that. She enjoyed teaching a class but she don't wanna teach those kids. Why do people lose interest in something they thoroughly enjoy? You see i just thought i didn't like any of my old jobs because they were just jobs for while i was at school, i could never maintain a household with those checks. Now that i have gotten a job that I thought i would love, i have started to hate it. Not all of it like i said.

I feel rather bad that i am failing at gaining back that ambition for the job that i thought that i would love.

I have given up on a lot of things, maybe i just get bored quickly. I have tried many things to ease my mind, to gain knowledge - maybe i just need something to do. I always lose interest halfway. I tried drawing, and even though i was only getting better i got bored. I got a switch and a ps4 and guess what ? same thing happened, i barely use them now. I have all types of video games, and consoles and same thing happens. I have over 200 books sitting on a shelve, moat of i have read, and the unread ones are probably going to remain unread. I use to read a series a day when i would become sad or extremely angry just so i would not do anything tragic to my being. I also tried to learn the ukulele, guitar, i even tried to learn korean to distract myself but nope. I was at it for about a month and then i stopped. They all became boring to me and i do not know why.