late night thoughts - essays

06:15

So I am still thinking. The thing is you ever do something so dumb that you question yourself? Like everything about your being. Your mind and soul come int o question and you ask yourself why did I do that? Why am I like this? I am. Very much so. I feel a sense of emptiness, or maybe it's just confusion. I do not know. 

You see I spoke about A before and you saw how dumb I truly am. In reality I know what to expect not only from myself but from others who dealing with me. I think I'm pretty cool so I only expect cool vibes, or genuine positive people around me. Not just cause I think I'm pretty cool but because I think everyone deserves to be around good people. 

My sleep schedule had come undone and my mind is getting there. To me 2 AM is the evening for me, when 8 AM comes around to me its is what 11PM is to normal people ( bedtime). I wake up anywhere from 6-8 PM and call the my morning. I am slowly losing my cool all because of some mishap. Which was letting myself become dumb or  lowering my standards for some person. I let myself Loe some one more than I came to love myself,. With that one loses sight of what is true to them and what they really want. Yeah it is cool to love someone and to want to take care of them but it also wrong for you to lose sight of your worth and what you truly want in life. You cannot let anyone take that away from you. You will forever be the person in charge of your happiness. You cannot let others influence what you seem fit for you. you are your own worse and best critic. You need to know when you need a moment to step back and make yourself realize that you are forgetting that, if you need it anyway. Do not let anybody tell you or make you feel that your worth in anything less than what you want it too be. 

Even if it is family because that "blood is thicker than water" is not what you guys should look top to or base your relationships on. If you didn't know the quote actually speaks about blood from a battlefield and the water from a mothers womb. You see the blood spilled in a battle field is actually scarier than the water of a womb. You see when men/women are in a field where their comrades are actively dying and bleeding they tend to make a stronger bond than that of a mother and child. They understand the pain and fear of each other. Where as a mother and child may not always understand and  may in fact hurt and blame each other for something small. Soldiers saw people die and that in fact made them stronger and closer to the people who were physically there and saw that as well. 

You see I have friends who I love more than family. yeah I love my parents but I have a friend who knows me better than them and has actually seen my blood, sweat,and tears in a more raw manner than my parents. You should all know that if you have kids they may also have a friend who they will entrust with their emotions a little more than they will with you. It iOS a different type of love the one fiends friends like this, I hope you all get at least find one person like this. A person who has your back even in your darkest moments. 

I hope none of you have to experience a moment in which you feel lost or that you are not worth it. I know we will all go through that but I am really, really hoping you won't have to because I know how bad that is. I know it is even harder to get out of it. I know that what I said is in fact a dream, as I said, we will all go through that. Only thing I can say is please remember who you truly are. What you are capable of. You know you can do better, and you will, simply because you are "THAT bitch". Too far? okay- let me say it nicer. You are an amazing person who will eventually learn that you are as amazing and as bright as any star in the sky. We are different, but so are stars and they are all beautiful and shine bright.