late night thoughts - essays

05:28

So here I am sitting in a lawn chair in my room by my desk. Why a lawn chair? well, it is comfortable, and inhale yet to buy a desk chair because I am lazy as all hell. Now I a. thinking of everything that I have done done in my life. Most recently it was this guy(who for privacy or what not we will call him "A") I did something that I never thought I would do. 

That is falling in love. I think I may have made the wrong choice. You see tis guy is in this state where he does not love himself and he clings to anything that is giving him love. Like that one toxic girl who always blamed her Wong doings on her ex who gave her chlamydia. With that he got not only that nasty thing (which is cured now) yet he also got a whole lot of headaches and mental exhaustion. He has had a long, I am  exaggerating honestly, list of girls who are for the most part toxic to him and have given hm headache after headache and because of this he has become well toxic to himself. I have liked this guy for so long and he would basically ignore my very obvious hints at wanting him as a whole and not just a friend and he would go to these toxic females. I have made the horrid mistake of continuing to love this man who does not love himself. I know, tragic for me. I am not perfect. You see, I too struggle with completely loving myself, but we all struggle with that here and there. I have gotten better. 

What I did that was wrong, asides from falling in love with him, was that I acted out. As in I actually let myself get angry with jealousy. I was told he went somewhere, and he did but it wasn't to where I was told, and so I went. I went and tried to find him to find out later that he was not there but in fact in a place behaving and being good with his friends. You see my reason was that he has a knack for ruining anything good in his life. He tries to find something to basically fuck it up for himself. The last girl ( we'll call her "chlammy" and you know why) would basically make him wanna pull out his hair by the time he left her house , and then he would simply tell me all about it and it would be my job to put him back together. Chlammy was and still is one of those girls who will never let her past go because that helps her get pitty and to get guys to stay and "take care of her".  She is one to use those "victim cards" when one tries to have a serious talk with her.trust me I know she tried it with me.  You see she was always fine until he said he needed to talk because he didn't feel okay, she would just cry and tell him that she believed him when he said that he would stay. She would also remark how she would be lost and bad again if he left. Guilt, that is using guilt to make one stay. Also known as mental abuse, something I do not support. When he realized how toxic she was being towards him he had a talk with her and she said he was being mean. He then proceeded to fuck himself over by convincing himself that she was right and he was a horrible person. 

in fact I'm telling you a story to help you better understand.

So with what she had put in his mind I grew angry and so I told her what was basically to fuck off because she was using her cards wrong and making him hate himself over stuff that he didn't do or had anything to do with. She was hurt and so were her friends and they tried to come after me ( keep in mind we are all in our 20's and have careers and responsibilities). I ignored the entire thing and just tried to move forward with my life because in all honesty I am kinda old to be worrying about someones feelings that they should know how to handle better. 

Moving on to a week after. Her friends were basically stalking me all over social media and would message me and I would just block or delete. I told him and he would tell me to just ignore, I thought he would do the same. One Of her people started making rants and such things on a funny post A shared and I told him to just delete it and move on. But! he decided to engage in an argument with her out in public and another f his friends was laughing and basically mocking him and I because all the person was saying was that we were ugly and bad ugly. Which in fact wre insults I used in fifth grade. Now keep in mind ,again, we are all adults. One has a kid, I have an actual career that could support a family, Chlammy has a decent job, and does he. Him and I have started college back up again since he wants to finish his degree and I wanna get another one. anyway, I was sitting there telling him to delete it once again, and he did not and kept going. I basically had to yell at him in order for him to understand why I wanted him to just delete the post, and to delete anyone or anything related to Chlammy and her people. They obviously did not know what it was like to be an adult and I was no longer gonna entertain the actions they were taking. I had to basically say I would press charges for harassment and ruin all their futures if this buffoonery didn't stop.  

now about a month after he shares a post in which he and Chlammy are and says he shared it because it was a funny memory. He says that they have cut all ties and that it was just a post. people have said that they miss them together because they only saw the cute and funny things on social media and I told him to just get rid of it all and guess what? it is all still there. Should I just leave? I am thinking about it because it is disrespectful. Can you see why I do not trust him?