who knew you could fall in love with your therapist?
"i won't stop fighting the monsters, tryna rise above, but they pullin me under. and im tryin to keep my feet on the ground, i'll stumble but i'll never stay down. i won't stop fighting, i won't s...
Hello, my name is regret I'm pretty sure we have met Every single day of your life I'm the whisper inside Won't let you forget
Hello, my name is defeat I know you recognize me Just when you think you can win I'll drag you right back down again 'Til you've lost all belief
- Matthew West, "Hello My Name Is"
k e n z i e
"Hey," I greet Johnny unemotionally as I come into the studio for our counseling session.
"Hey, Kenz." He smiles at me. He has the courtesy to not ask me how I'm doing, because he knows what I'll say.
Not good at all.
The photoshopped nudes have all been taken down, but I've been ridiculed horribly, despite the fact that I tried to clear it up on ALL my social media platforms. I don't know who did it, but now I'm being called a drunkard and a slut. Both of those aren't true, but no one cares.
"You know those...pics...they're not real." I say, settling uncomfortably onto his couch.
He nods. "I know. I believe you."
I look down. "Yeah. Thanks."
"For what?"
"I...don't know. It's so hard to trust people now."
"I get it." Johnny nods comfortingly.
I shake my head. "Do you really? No one knows what it's like to be me. I don't know why, but everyone is out to get me. What did I do wrong? Nothing goes right in my life. I don't even know what a normal life is like anymore. I gave up on being normal a long time ago."
"What's normal?"
I pause for second, thinking. "I don't know. Not me."
"What's good about being normal?"
"Everything." I burst out. "Not having to wake up in the morning feeling weighed down by something you don't even know what. Not having to worry about everything you do, being scrutinized by everyone. Getting slandered. I don't even know when the last time I had a genuine laugh was. Even a genuine smile. Even when I'm not having an anxiety attack, I just can't be happy."
Johnny nods slightly, waiting for me to go on.
"What is happiness?" I look out the window at the busy street outside.
Outside, a girl tugs on her Mom's arm, saying something, and they both laugh. A smile spreads on a boy's face as he talks on the phone, walking past the window. A elderly couple, sharing a bench, laugh, probably reminiscing on old memories.
"Every time I see a happy person, it pains me. I hate it. I loathe it, but I want to experience it so badly."
"What used to make you happy?" Johnny asks.
"Well..." I run my finger along the arm of the couch. "I guess, hanging out with my friends and family. Going places...exploring...not having a care in the world."
"What was your favorite place to go?"
"Hm..." I almost smile at the memory. "Maybe Disneyland?"
"What made it fun?" Johnny runs his fingers through his hair, and sits back, his patient eyes waiting.
"It's magical." I laugh slightly. "They make you feel so special and...happy. And being there with your friends, it's like reliving your childhood with all the princesses and stuff."
Johnny smiles. "Tell me about your favorite childhood memory."
~~~
The sun has long since set after my session with Johnny ends. We went past the time we were supposed to be done, but I didn't really mind. We talked about all my favorite memories, and he even told me some of his.
I sit quietly in the car, not turning it on immediately. My phone buzzes, and I hesitate before finally looking at it.
It's Annie, asking where I am. I tell her, and assure her I'll be back soon.
Before I start the car, I tap onto Instagram, hoping, somehow, maybe people will have forgotten about the drama and moved on.
Nope.
I scroll through my feed next without interest. Nothing excites me anymore.
Hayden posted a picture with Annie, and it's pretty cute, so I open the comments to comment something...until I see what they say.
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liked by annieleblanc, johnnyorlando, and 744,893 other
haydensummerall always fun with this one <3
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@haydenspurple | what happened to kenzie?? 23 likes
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@jana.88 | @haydenspurple they're not even dating lmao
@kaya_walshie | @haydenspurple he finally got smart and dumped her
@dancing.sissy.9 | @haydenspurple did you really ship him with that slut 💀 no one ever liked her
@nickiiiiii | @haydenspurple HAHA KAYDEN'S DEAD HE DUMPED HER AFTER HER NUDES GOT LEAKED
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@lindsay.ilsa | omg i ship 456 likes
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@omgpaige | aw she's cutee 😍😍 at least she doesn't embarrass herself LMAO 1,236 likes
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@celebstea | bae watch? 😏 981 likes
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@kenzieislife | Omg your such a cheetar 😤😤 What does u think mackenzie thinks of this ????
-view more replies-
@itsjennaasusual | @kenzieislife i'm sure she's too busy drinking to care
@sayla.chicken | @kenzieislife HAHAHAHA KENZIE STANS ARE SO DELUSIONAL I CANT
@hanna.brooke99 | hayden's too good for her lmao
I stare at the comments for a second, letting everything sink in. Why am I surprised? I should have seen it coming a while ago. Of course I'm not good enough for Hayden. Annie's better off with him. I don't deserve Hayden.
