I Don't Love You II Jess Mariano

Chapter 1 - Bluebird

" There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out

but I'm too tough for him,I say, stay in there,

I'm not going to let anybody see you. "

- Bluebird (Charles Bukowski)

There was an ice cold beer clutched in his hand, half empty already, and a lady to his right that had been trying to engage in a conversation about the weather for the last 15 minutes. None of that really mattered, none of that he really acknowledged.

There was only her. Her dancing and laughing and singing along to the cheesy pop songs he knew she'd never admit to liking but secretly sang along to at home when she thought no one was watching. Her and the way her hair that had been perfectly pinned back earlier was now slowly coming undone, strands framing her perfect face that had changed so much and yet so little in all this time.

Her and her all consuming, breathtaking, heart shattering beauty. Her and all the memories of all the feelings that had ever been there and would always be there.

God, he was so screwed.

This was the "I love you" all over again, the Yale visit, the open house. He had honestly thought he had left this part of his past behind. That he was over her. He had tried over and over and it never ended with a happily ever after for him, not with her. Maybe they just weren't meant to be.

He had really thought he'd learned his lesson and yet here he was staring at her and wondering if he'd ever completely get over her or if he might be doomed to forever be in love with Rory Gilmore.

" You know if you keep staring at her any longer it's gonna change from kinda cute to downright creepy, right ?! " he heard his younger cousin's voice speak up as she plopped down in the seat to his right, the weather lady had apparently gotten the hint that he was not interested in a conversation with her and had wandered off at some point.

" What do you know ? Aren't you busy being edgy, smoking, finding yourself ? " he replied and gave April little smirk and a friendly shove with his shoulder. She was a peculiar one his cousin, had been since the first time he'd met her but she'd done a lot of growing up over the years and had turned from a strange kid into quite the smart and witty adult, pseudo hippy phase and all.

" Haha, aren't you funny, Jess. Seriously though, what's up with the longing looks ? "

" Ah you know, just figuring out that I'm still in love with the girl I dated when I was in high school. The girl that made me change into the person I am today. The girl that is the sole reason I became a better person. " Is what he thought but there was no way in hell Jess would ever talk about his feelings. Ever.

" Don't know what you're talking about. "

" Sure you don't. Just sayin' you could go over there and actually talk to her instead of glaring a hole through her head."

That he could do, but what would he say ?

"Hey Rory, sorry to interrupt but I just realized that part of me is still madly in love with you. " ?

" Oh hi there Rory, been watching you all night wondering if we ever stood a chance, wondering if we still might stand one. Wondering if this could ever be us, getting married and all that. " ?

Those were the things that were ghosting through his head but he'd be damned if he ever told those to anyone, especially Rory. He'd tried that before, multiple times, and look how that turned out. To be fair one of those times he ran off, but that was only that one time.