my body begins to
ache with trepidation
as i feel it coming on
my heart beats in a
off key staccato,
accompanying the ghastly hum in my head.
within me rests a demon,
lurking on my shoulder
poisoning my bloodstream
shattering my bones and,
worst of all,
sprouting dark inklings in my head
so that every corner of the word lacks luster,
no matter how bright.
i first became aware of its presence
five years ago,
and since then i have tried
almost everything in my power to eradicate it.
blades drawn across my skin,
a desperate attempt to purge myself of what hurts,
instead, only making it worse.
walks and yoga,
the supposedly magical exercise,
only granting me more time
with the swirling dark hole
making home in my head.
little round pills,
popped into my mouth every morning and night,
hoping,
praying,
for a difference to be made -
and there is, but not enough.
never enough.
the feeling drowns me of myself,
of my soul,
leaving me feeling hollow
a husk of a human
yet i must still be alive
to feel pain so deeply.
i once believed that to escape
i would have to make a sacrifice
to leave this world behind
allowing my spirit to vacate my body
rid me of this invisible disease
slowly killing me day by day,
by making me believe that
the only way out
is to kill
myself.
but it isn't.
it takes courage,
and fortitude
to make it through each episode
to accept the fact that
even once it's over,
it will come again.
to make the most of the time in between,
to remember time and again
the people who are there for me
and support me
and love me
no matter how much depression
may whisper that they do not.
each word is my sword and
with them i slowly reclaim myself,
who i am,
and each morning i
wake up to a new day
sometimes tired,
sometimes weak,
but always ready
to try again.
