stars//phan

introduction

fears and manias

Phil was always under the pressure. His parents were the most important people in the town, the flawless, excellent marriage, smart and reach husband with his beautiful, intelligent wife. He needed to arrive at every fancy party someone has organised, make friends with sons of important people he didn't even like and be the smartest boy in the academy. Be as flawless and perfect as his parents were.

But they weren't flawless. They weren't perfect. And Phil knew it. He knew why dad wasn't at home all nights and how his mother was ignoring it with a bottles of wine. When in the morning dad was coming back, drunk and ragged forcing mom to do some things she didn't want to do. He heard some things. But was too scared to do anything. He was young. He didn't know what alcohol or sexual abuse was.

But time passed and Phil grew up. And when he was 11 years old he began to show symptoms of Drapetomania*. Not the serious kind, just an urge to run away. Because even if he was sad and alone, he was looking for adventures. For some silence and comfort but also happiness and madness.

He started being problematic. Every morning he was putting on his favourite comfy hoodie and black trousers and going to the woods beyond the city. Behind the old, road sign and twenty three big trees  you could see a huge, demolished, moss-covered pathway made of grey, dirt bridges and plants. After crossing it, all the sun coming through trees's branches was lightning up a big, abandoned playground made of sandpit, a slide, carousel and two swings. He liked to sit on a one and just slowly pushing himself. Up and down.

Nobody knew about this place so when Phil found it, he was the happiest person in the world. This playground was only his, he always knew how to find it and how to come back home from this place.

Sometimes he was just straying in the town between the family houses and children's laughter. At times he was buying some apples for his older brother. He talked to him every morning and giving some apples or cereal before he was disappearing for a whole day. He also liked to run away. But with friends. Phil preferred to stay the way he was - lonely and sad but still optimistic and silly boy. He was spending all days in the woods doesn't caring he skipped school again. He had a reason. He wanted to have his flaws, his imperfections.

One day his thoughts flew far away and when he realised the sky turned black and the stars appeared - he screamed. A terrifying, loud scream rippled through the woods. He felt the pain in his stomach, the blood began violently pulsing on the back of his head.

He ran out of the woods, faltering and limping and as soon as he came home - he cried. He cried so hellaciously and franticly it hurts.

That night he realised he never will be able to run far away. He had Achluophobia.

But still his nagging urge to run away made him keep going to the woods and coming back when the stars will start appearing.

He was scared of the darkness but somehow stars were making him relax*. They were calming him down. He found this one star that was the brightest, the prettiest one. Every night he was just following it. He trusted her. He felt like this star was something important, like it was his propriety he needs to take care of. So he was singing her songs, telling funny stories and as long it was making her shine, Phil was calm.

And so the young boy was running away, and as stupid and hilarious it sounds, it felt good. Felt just right.

***

Dan however was in love in the night. He was quiet, tranquil kid who never wanted to socialise. His grandparents and peaceful darkness were enough. On boy's seventh birthday all the suspicions have been confirmed - Dan was a Nyctophile*. Not the weird kind when he would literally kill himself just for one night. He just felt relaxed. Felt just fine. Like he belong to the world. Had his safe place.

He lived only with his grandparents so as soon as they were falling asleep, Dan was leaving the house for half of a night. He used to breaking in a huge, abandoned skyscraper and then pulling out a rusty ladder from the top floor's ceiling. He was climbing carefully on the roof and then just sitting there. He was looking at the stars and thinking if someone is looking at them too, in the way he does. If someone understands him. His grandpa used to tell him "Look at the star you like the most and try to remember it. Every night take care of her, tell her stories, make her laugh. Gentle it like little prince gentled the fox. That's going to be your very own star. The way of running away when things would go crazy or the reason why you're smiling. And one day you'll meet someone who looked at the same star as you were."

He never understood how would he know that but his grandpa was just saying "Some things you just...know".

And so every night he looked at his star and believed that someone looks at her too.

***

*Drapetomania ; an overwhelming urge to run away

*Achluophobia ; fear of the darkness

*something similar to selenophilia (love for the moon) but with a stars

*Nyctophilia ; an attraction to darkness or night; finding relaxation or comfort in the darkness

sadcoconutmilk