Make Believe

I wanna feel something..Part 1

I didn't know how I should feel. Is there a right or wrong way to feel. It wasn't pain, it wasn't hurt. It was just a nothingness like I hadn't ever experienced before. That in itself was frightening. It scared the shit out of me. I felt like I should feel something and yet there wasn't anything. Not a thing. Maybe with time something, I might feel something? Or maybe I might stay in the nothingness. Maybe that's all there is. All there will ever be?

So I turn to my only comfort. My one comfort which I turn to. I turn to it now. This new discovery of mine. The power that is writing, well typing ok. I hear you. I'm typing away whatever the fuck this feeling is. I'm not sure what the following days or weeks will bring.

Right now? This moment? This second. I feel very practical. I want to know if there are wills. I want to sort shit out. I want it done, I want to say final goodbyes and move the hell on. I can't do a fucking thing right now though. The world stops turning on the weekend. The bullshit suits work Monday-Friday. What can I do? I can think and I can type. Yet still I feel nothing, I should feel something shouldn't I? Something?

I need comfort, I don't know what comfort. This, this in this moment, as I type more and more makes me feel calm. Maybe its my form of thinking out loud, I can't speak. I don't want to talk to anyone. There isn't anyone on this earth who will understand me. Or is there?

I worry for the judgement. I worry about a lot of things, its just me. I should have done more they will say, its your responsibility they will say. Well "they will say" it kind of is my responsibility now? Does that make you feel better? Would you like to arrange funerals and sort out if there are wills or not? Would you like to visit a place you have never been and sort out personal affects that belong to someone you used to know?

There was a ring. A ring she was wearing. Why was she wearing a ring? She didn't care for us anymore, she left? Why wear the ring? Do I care the fact the property is secure? I have never been there? Why isn't there a curiosity? That nothingness again. I should feel something shouldn't I? Why am I beating myself up for feeling nothing at all? So I type and I type some more until something clicks. Some feelings happen and yet still nothing.

I'm turning this over and over in my mind. So very many times. There isn't any answers. There isn't any questions either to be honest. I keep trying to process this. That practical side again. Its just this nothingness makes no sense. It just doesn't.

I'm going to get all the bullshit now. The "you must remember the good times" bullshit sorta stuff and yet? Right in this moment I can't remember any? There goes that blank nothingness again.

Is it my brains way of protecting itself? Is my poor mind going nope I'm sorry we are out of order for feeling right now come back soon? Is it telling me nope, I'm sorry you couldn't cope with this, time to shut off? I don't want to be a robot? I don't want to feel fuck all of fuck all? I should feel something? Some...thing? Yet nope. No tears, maybe anger but no tears. No one can understand what's going on in my head but me right now and yet even I don't fucking understand it.

I feel like I need practical. I need practical, I need lists, I need purpose but I sure as fuck don't need feelings. Those bastards are not welcome. I mean what happens now? Have your ever arranged a funeral? Do I have to? Is there a will? Will there be an autopsy? When will they release the body? Do they even work weekends? When will the coroner call me? Why do the police always want to send someone to your house when someone dies? Why did she say on the phone all this.... stuff? and yet give me no answers?

Ok so I've worked out one thing, that's a small step right? The nothingness is the whole I'm protecting the shit outta your brain. What do I do with all these people? these... I'm here or you? Do you want to talk? It must be a shock? People? I feel like I need to comfort them? Why am I doing that? Why am I trying to reassure them all?

Why am I so worried about how everyone feels. I'm more worried about how the world and his uncle feels about it than what I do? I feel like I need to hug other people and tell them its going to be ok? Yet? This is what's happened to me? What the hell is wrong with me? Is there a right way? A wrong way to feel?

For now, one moment, one second at a time if that's what it takes. If that's what I need I'm doing it. Tiny steps, small teeny steps. I cannot let this break me, I will not let this break me. It could if I let it. For now I won't. For now I worry more for others. I worry for the "I'm here for you" people, I worry for the "I understand you" people and I worry for my fucking Dad.

My Dad is an amazing man and he's come so very far. I'm proud. Is it ok to say that? He's confident and he's happy and I don't want this to take that away from him. I just don't. There's that thinking of how others feel again... I just.. I just don't know. Tears might be nice. It would be a something... rather than a nothing right?

So rest in peace Mother. Who knows really what happened. Who knows what the following days and weeks will bring me. I hope answers at least. I hope they bring me a closed chapter.

For now? I type, I write. Until it all makes sense. Or maybe it won't ever make sense. Maybe it won't and I'll have to accept that one way or another I will.

xxx