Make Believe

I'm tired of feeling nothing... Part 2

It seems the world comes to life on a Monday morning. Not that its given me any answers. It hasn't. Right now everything feels as if its moving so very slowly. I can actually see it passing me by so slowly.

I wasn't waiting for the call. I decided I wanted to try and just get on with shit like nothing had happened. Of course the call came while I was in the shower. Yes there's going to be a post mortem and not its like in the movies. Within 24-48 hours we might have some more answers. More fucking waiting.

Maybe its not the waiting so much I mind. I feel like all I do is wait. Waiting for other people seems to be a massive part of my life. Well I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of waiting for what others need or want while I wait for my life to start. I'm sick of paperwork and I'm sick of "legally" and it hasn't even begun yet and already I'm done with it all.

Why is it when someone chooses to walk away from their entire life that, when they pass away it's your problem? That person chose of sound body and mind to walk out and never fucking look back. Not a second glance or a second thought. They moved the fuck on. Some how now? Its my problem. This happened over 12 months ago. Finding my number randomly in a phone is a "here you go its your problem now" attitude.

The thing is I have my own life. She had her whole new life. Where are all her friends now? You can tell now that the numbness, the empty feeling is gone can't you? Instead its been replaced with all this anger. I think its an anger that other people avoid.

I don't want to be this angry about it all. I don't. I'm choosing right now to spend time alone. Not with others. I just end up being blunt and rather rude. That's not me. The horrible thing I hate most? People are justifying my gross behaviour. They keep telling me its ok. Its so not fucking ok to talk to people the way I have this past couple of days no matter the circumstances.

Today has been no exception with the new angry beaver attitude. Talking to solicitors in this manner at least got me exactly what I wanted which they wouldn't give my Father so? They may have been acting on her behalf legally for the separation but nope no fucking will with them. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Why am I writing again? Tomorrow seeing new challenges. One last ditch to see if there's a will involves myself and my Father going to a place we have never been welcome or even knew existed until the end of last week to see if she does indeed have a will hidden somewhere.

We are going to have to look through her belongings. To visit and spend time in a place we haven't ever been. This other life she set up that didn't involve us. We have to step into that world to get shit done. What a mental mind fuck that's going to be.

I'm hoping the practical logical me comes out tomorrow. I'm not liking this angry me. This fuck this, fuck the world and fuck, fuck.... FUCK IT ALL! This angry me is not nice, she's a bitch. She says what she thinks without thinking of others which is something I hated HER for. She was forever critical of the world around her. How it worked even the way people looked. She found the negative in even the most positive of situations.

Its one reason after the big "I'm clearing the whole house out and I'm not coming back" situation that I was like fuck you then. Your decision is made. For me? That situation was the final straw where I decided for my own mental health that I wasn't taking crap anymore from her.

You have to draw a line somewhere. At some point whoever they are? No one is going to get how I feel apart from me are they? At the end of the day they aren't the ones who had the relationship with her (or should I say lack there of?).

So many things happened over the years. We never had the most perfect relationship anyway. For a good many years I was so envious of others relationships with their mothers, mine was never like that no matter how much I wished it was.

I think right now? I'm sick of social media bullshit, I'm sick of I'm so sorry. I'm most sick of the bloody crap quotes about appreciate people while they are alive. I can safely say hand on heart and being honest with you? My mother fell out with everyone she ever met. I mean everyone.

Her attitude made me who I am today. Her attitude towards others made me want to protect the whole bloody world from her and her blunt behaviour. She brought me up on criticism and harsh truths. Nothing was ever sugar coated with her ever no matter what the situation was.

Like I say I turned out opposite to all that. I have a soft heart, I care too much and spend all my time thinking about if I'm making everyone else happy while I watch myself become more and more miserable. Its not even about being myself as much as it is about realising I can't fix the world and that's the part I cannot get over. I have set myself an impossible task with that one.

So this post isn't deep and meaningful as the last, maybe its not as well written but its comforting to me to write it and clear my mind a little. At this moment in time? If you have ever encouraged me to write? To try this thing? I am fucking grateful to you. Without writing? I fear I will truly lose the plot right now.

I'm going to make a promise to myself too. I'm going to promise myself that this isn't going to turn into all about death and dying and funerals and wills and that... That sometimes through the sadness its ok to laugh and not feel guilty about it. So I'm going to write stupid as fuck stuff too. Balance, ying, yang... stuff.. yeah stuff... and you thought I wrote so well... hahahah! Got you there didn't I? ;-)

xxx