Make Believe

In a sea of memories....Part 5

I always knew yesterday was going to be hard. I knew it as soon as I booked the appointment. I just never even considered just how hard it was going to be. Not that I think it would have prepared me any more or any less.

I'd been just fine up until this point, well as fine as you can expect when your Mother's just died. I went into total practical robotic mode, I wrote, I sketched I was doing ok. I'm ok and I'm writing it out seemed to solve everything. You know what? yesterday I couldn't even look at my laptop or sketchbook let alone use them. So how did it all start? Let me continue.

I had forgotten the day before to give the registry office a ring to double check they had everything. What with the random dropping off of paperwork by a mystery person with the neighbour that had taken priority. So I called at before my appointment at 9am. They assured me the office was open early.

What followed was me shouted abuse down the phone for a good 20 minutes as they didn't currently have paperwork they needed and apparently it was all my fault. looking at it now I'm horrified how I behaved. I'm ashamed now to say and I'm quoting myself now I said " put her in a bin for all I care, a fucking cardboard box! She left over a year a go, I don't fucking care what happens to her she's not my problem" I said it was bad didn't I?

See the thing is I then had to go into the office and speak to the woman I had just been swearing at on the phone. You know what? She was bloody amazing. I cannot imagine doing her job nor would I want to. Dealing with deaths, births and marriages on a daily basis? Fuck that for all the up and down emotions of humans!

The mystery paperwork made it easier to register her death at least. I did the tell us once service too. It all went smoothly once they had that random fucking magical piece of paper from the bloody coroner.

I kind of went through the whole thing in a daze after that. It felt like I was there but I wasn't? My own little bubble of all things death. How fabulous.. not. I seemed to have worn myself out from all my ranting and raving. Slowly walking down to the deal with the bank then seemed to refresh my mind a little.

I stopped off at a café on the way, still not feeling ready to deal with stage two of my day of death. What a mistake, I suddenly realised when I got into town how not ready for seeing actual real people I was. I felt like they were all looking at me. Did I have a huge D on my forehead? (D for death?) Every little thing bothered me. The way people rushed around no care in the world. I felt surrounded by people and yet totally alone.

The bank were amazing. She was fucking amazing. One person who didn't make me feel like a moron! Hurray! I had a blinding panic for a second that maybe she wouldn't have enough money in the bank to cover what we needed to but I really didn't need to worry. It seems my Mother had been squirrelling money away quite happily for a long time. Not that she was loaded but the expenses would be covered.

I have never been more grateful to go home. I had done the impossible. On my own I had done the hard bit. Or had I? I set about arranging what my Father and myself had agreed upon. I'm happy to sing the high praises of the CO OP funeral care. What an amazing fucking company.

Why did I fall down yesterday? How did I break? Reading that you think I did well right? One phone call from the coroner that I missed. That's all it took. I wasn't standing up to my superwoman duties and I felt like I had failed because I hadn't done one thing. Thing is I had its just different departments don't communicate with one another.

I sobbed my little heart out with frustration because at the time I felt I had totally and utterly failed. I set out for this day to get a lot of shit sorted. All I felt was like people were rushing me. In the great scheme of things I did all I could.

Taking time now to work it out? She was found on the Friday afternoon. Nothing was done all weekend (two whole days of nothing) Then it got sent onto post mortem. We didn't hear until Wednesday afternoon how she died. Coroner didn't submit paperwork that day, in fact it wasn't actually updated until I pushed it to be on Friday morning. So it may have been a week since she died but I had in less than 48 hours of being able to....... Registered her death, dealt with the bank and arranged her cremation.

My poor husband had to come out of work. I have in the last week gone from not wanting to be anywhere near people, to at least letting someone I love into my little world. He came home and helped me print off all the paperwork for the CO OP. One of the forms wouldn't print so we then arranged to go in and fill in a copy. Rather than me send anything off they took it for me. At every stage this company no matter who I have spoken to has been amazing. Patient, kind, supportive.

I realise this post I've just written isn't like the rest. Its very matter of fact. This happened and I did this sort of post. You know why?

Yesterday I scared myself. I was and still am scared of how it creeps up on you and when you least expect it. You just don't see it coming. Just sometimes no matter how robotic and logical you are, its strong enough to kick those parts to the curb. Maybe it doesn't creep, maybe its there the whole time just waiting? Just waiting. I think if people like to give it a name. It does make it more real that way. I think people call it grief.

xxx