Finally, we were in the park, sitting on the bench. It was obvious that Simon was waiting for me to show the deepest interest in the stories that he was about to unfold. Oh, yep, I was pretty much interested, but not in his stories, but in what in hell I was doing in the park at 12:30 am, waiting for a boy formerly known as Simon, who looked like stoned Lana Del Rey, to tell me his story. Finally, Simon, having realized that I'm not going to ask him anything, broke the silence:
"So, you wanna know why my name is Ash now?"
"Yes, I would love to know why!" I exclaimed emphasizing how fake my interest was.
"It's a very interesting story," Simon started, "when I was four years old, my mother took me to the village...
Is it a somekind reworked version of Jim Morison's song?
... and there was that little river, more like a stream than a river. Anyway, it was forbidden to drink from it and to swim in it as a factory was dumping toxic waste in it. There were signs allover the place that the water is dangerous, but I was only four years old, remember, so I couldn't read, and I drank from that river. I had angioedema as a result and actually survived the clinical death. And that's the time when I became changeling!" he finished and stared at me, obviously expecting my amusement or shock.
"You became what?" I asked indifferently.
"A changeling!"
"Oh, a changeling!" I said pointing up the finger, "And you've chosen the name Ash?"
"It wasn't me, who's chosen the name, it was the Goddess!" Simon said proudly.
"Oh, the Goddess!" I said nodding.
Considering the awkward silence that followed my phrase, Simon had expected a different reaction from me. I decided to keep the pause for as long as I can. I was wondering what he is going to do next.
"The Goddess of fairies!" Simon yelled.
"Okay," I said calmly without looking at him.
"Don't you believe that I am a fairy?" asked Simon, and, boy, he sounded really surprised.
"Listen, Simon..."
"My name is Ash! Ash!"
"Simon, Ash, whatever, it has nothing to do with whether I believe that you are a fairy or not. If all fairies are as boring as you are, I feel really pity for your entire population. What was the point of our date? For you to tell me that you are a fairy? Well, I'm glad for you and for you Goddess" and with those words, I stood up and walked away. Maybe he had expected me to jump his bones after hearing all that?
"I thought you could be my boyfriend!" Simon said.
I thought that I would never hear from Simon again, but he phoned me the very next day to accuse me in being intolerant and rude to him. A few days later he phoned me again to tell me that his Goddess, whoever she was, had cursed me. Considering the fact that I haven't experienced any outcomes of Simon's...oops, Ash's Goddess' curse up to now it makes me wonder, how poor the 21st century is in miracles. Can you imagine this story in the 20th century? Simon would have turned out to be a vampire and would turn me into a ghoul against my will, which would cause me to go on a killing spree and blah-blah-blah. Or if the curse of the Goddess of the fairies had worked I would have turned into a giant radioactive butterfly. But it's the 21st century, so all that you have is just a queer complaining about the shitty date with an old acquaintance of his.
Speaking about the curse, Simon called a month later, probably to figure out if it had worked, and upon learning that it hadn't told me that he had a perfect sex with pizza delivery guy. I said that I was really happy for him and never heard of him since. But I must admit that date had thought me a lesson. Now, whenever I have the feeling that I'm going to have a crappy date I stay at home, cook Caesar Salad and eat it with a few glasses of wine while listening to Diamanda Galas' albums or watching movies as old as Robert Wiene's "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" (1920). And I must say it's way better than any crappy date that the modern dating market can offer you.
