Her silenced voice

Rant from thy Author

Warning: I just went straight to Wattpad without correcting my grammar, so sorry about that.

   Sorry for not posting today, nor posting my Japanese course because I have a PSAT test today all day. Not only that... My dad finally recieved my report card after like what 2 weeks? My teacher called him that I was failing day before it came out. Since I owe the school like 27 dollars, my report card was delayed. He yelled at me last night. Now some of yall don't know, but when someone yells at me in a negative way. Scolding, yelling at me cuz they are pissed off etc. I will cry. Since this is my father, I had a massive breakdown. I could barely breathe, barely talk cuz of it too.
   I am failing ONE class. ONE. Now all my classes except spanish 1 are advanced. ADVANCED. My core classes are AP. They are college ready classes, but my freaking teacher makes it look like an actual college class. She gives us sass too. I know lots of students in her class failing and having mental breakdowns. One of them actually had to cut down her sleeping to 2-3 or so hours just to keep up with her classes.
   My stress reliever is being on my phone or the computer, reading or watching movies or games. All of which is part of what I want to be. A film director and/or author. Mostly Film Directing. I already know basics of it but we're getting off topic.
   My dad yelled at me, cut off my account from the computer so I can't use it anymore. GUESS WHAT. All my assignments are online. Get rekt dad, you just caused me to fail. Not one class, but ALL of them. A lot of the assignments are not accessible via phone. Not to mention the MAJOR notes I have to take. Ha 1) I DON'T STUDY IT CAUSES ME TO FORGET EVERYTHING THE NEXT DAY DAD! 2) Reading the book is too boring. No one is the whole school reads the textbook. 3) I have a 60 in AP US History. I contacted my boyfriend and he said a 60 in an AP class is passing. So GURL IF YOU DON'T. IM PASSIN' ALL MAH CLASSES BOO.
   What pissed me off more is that he brought my brother into the mess. My brother has ASD (Autism Syndrome Disorder) btw. He yelled at me saying im a lazy ass and that I dont even care about my brother. Guess what, my brother doesnt comply with me. I made him worksheets that he never does. Tbh I made a whole binder dedicated to that shishkabob. Yesterday he only did 3 pages out of idk I lost count. He also said if I wanted to be like my uncle, an alcoholic with no job. Excuse me, he has autism and you failed to know as his brother. You only found out after my brother came here and was diagnosed with Autism.
   Not only that. He said if I "fail" again he's disabling my phone and crap. Lol have fun with a very emotional daughter who is extremely stressed about everything and all the online monry she earned via apps. To think I was trying to earn cash to help you. You know what, I'm going to keep all that cash. Once you finally activate my bank account and possibly finally let me get a drivers permit. By the time I turn 18 Im depositing it all to my bank account.
   Lol I aint done. You wanted me to be a doctor. Thats all kid's dreams. I changed dad. I want to be a film director but you kept insisting on being in the medical field or math teacher. I may be good and talented at math, but I don't see or want myself as a mathematics person/doctor. You, dad, have a fixed mindset. That's why you did get your dream job when you were young. You stayed where you are instead on practicing what you want to be.
   I may be bad at English, but I have a heck lot of ideas for books that I told my friends and they said it's really good to the point that I can earn cash by doing that. Stop discouraging me dad.
   My fallback is Psychologist. I don't want people to be unfixable like me. I'm not easy to be fixed. By you yelling, it gave me the fear of yelling. It triggers me to have anxiety and leading towards depression. I don't know how many times I have thought about running away or suicide. But I promised mom that I wont try to kill myself again.
   It's like you are bipolar. Happy one second, Furious the next.
   I will not study, but I will make it look like I am. Wanna know why? The last time I studied my grade in AP US history tanked down to 19. Then when I stopped it went up to 60. Be glad dad. I know what I'm doing.
   Since we're on the topic of "doing". He yelled at me for not doing chores. Ok, how was I supposed to know how to cook or do laundry when no one taught me. Along side that, he yelled at me for not join "Youth For Christ" in our church. Excuse me, I gave the excuse of "I dont have time" because you and grandma abuse your bodies. You take so much overtime that you only get 4 hours of sleep and you're complaining about your body hurting. Grandma just does it, she complains about everything and lectures the same thing. I KNOW ok? We all know what to do. Like you said we're teenagers and that we should have fun. I'm taking up all that time now. Because later on when I turn into an adult, I won't have time for fun.
   Yes, youth for christ is fun because of their activities and stuff. I may be an extrovert, but when it comes to parties and activities with people I BARELY know, I will be an introvert. I will not socialize. I don't fit in. They all know each other, but not me. They don't know me. Yall dont know the real me. All you see is a happy, crazy, loveable girl. When you're away, I'm depressed, alone, and suicidal.
   Do you know why I'm on my phone 24/7 besides reading, playing games and watching movies? I call my boyfriend from the moment we leave school. 24/7 call since October 15, 2017. He has monophobia and if I leave him alone he's going to have a panic attack and maybe not rven eat, sleep, or do anything. So don't tell me I'm not helpful. Everyday my friends go through something problematic with their families or have arguements with each other. Who helps them, gives them advices and fixes it? Me. That's who. I'm basically their mother, hence why they call me Mama Alexa or Mama Mykie.
   Years of experience in being a "therapist" for them. Not a single penny was given to me and I don't plan on charging my friends.
   Mom already wants to leave the house with just Elijah and I. We'll be doing that soon. I'll just have to endure you and grandma for as long as I can.
   I did not plan any of what I said so sorry if it goes all over the place.

Note: I know you should give the kid, with Autism, a companion... but my brother is like deadly afraid of animals. He will run away if he sees a spider, mouse, cat, dog, horse, unicorn.... We have two dogs btw and we have to keep them outside cuz of him.