vanilla // lrh

thirty four

"I want to know it all."

At least I was honest. 

I wanted to know how much Ashton was like me. Was I really the same as him? Maybe my drug of choice was the same thing that I had always been chasing; bad boys. 

"This is going to sound really corny, probably," He laughed, sitting the empty bottle from his hand on the table. 

"Do you know the band Nothing but Thieves?" He asked, folding his hands together. 

"Sounds familiar, but probably not. Unless Michael listens to them a lot and I hear it through the walls."

"They have this song, it's called Forever & Ever More. That song is like, a perfect portrayal of my relationship with Whitney. And not like the lyrics necessarily. It starts with this sick guitar, and then when the vocals come on, they are so perfect and sexy. It's tight as fuck. And then right before the chorus, all the guitar and vocals become sort of like a big mess. They just mash everything together and it's much heavier and darker."

Ashton slid deeper into my couch, moving his hands up to his forehead and closing his eyes. I appreciated how much he was trying to focus, though he was barely there mentally. 

"That probably sounds so dumb but I can hardly describe it right now. Just listen to it sometime and I'm sure you'll get what I'm saying."

"It doesn't sound dumb, I get it. I think it's cool you made that connection."

"I like music a lot. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up and maybe I'd be able to do something with it someday."

"Ashton, you're not-"

"No, no. None of that, Els. I know you're just being nice but we all know it and that's not what we are talking about right now. But I appreciate it, I promise."

"Go on, I'm sorry."

"I'll start by saying something that plays a big part in this story, something I was so dumb for. Whitney is older than me. And when I say older I mean, 17 years older than me." 

"I've met her before. I noticed that."

"You saw her? Where? How is she?"

"Not important, just go on." I didn't want to think about Luke, at least not for now. 

"I was 17 when I met her, I think. She worked for my dad. A secretary or something like that."

Going from a secretary for a college principal to a bartender in some underground bar?  I wonder how that even happened. 

"One day my dad was cussing me out about not having good grades in high school, no colleges would accept me. She stepped in, and he stopped as soon as she entered. It was like magic. That's how it always felt when she was around, everything shitty just stopped. She said she would tutor me, and help me get good enough grades for my dad to pull a few strings so I could go to school here."

"How'd that tutoring go?"

Ashton laughed, his smile was incredibly contagious. Dimples always formed on each side of it, making you want to squeeze his cheeks like a child. 

"It turned sexual extremely quickly. Looking back on it, I think that's why she did it all. But I don't want to believe it. I want to believe that she wanted to help me in life, and the first step was helping me get into college." 

"But you were only 17, that's not really cool to-"

"We didn't fuck until I was 18, she made me wait. Which also feels like she didn't really love me. If it was love she should know I was consenting. I would've consented to anything she would've asked, honestly. It started with little things, like grabbing my thigh, or running her nails through my hair, and then eventually, she started rewarding me by letting me touch her."

"Did she actually tutor you or did you guys just kind of fool around?"

"She didn't tutor me. But she reminded me that if I couldn't get into college my dad would fire her, and if I loved her I wouldn't let her get fired. And I did love her. I didn't want her to lose her job because I was a fuck up. So, I got into college, and I was legal by then. She began to take me places with her, and I really thought she loved me. We went everywhere it seemed, she showed me so many things I never knew. We went to bars, snuck out, she even took me to this place downtown. I really shouldn't say this because I'm not involved anymore, but, one night we went down this dark alley. Buried in the heart of town. And when you open the door, it's a boxing arena."

I felt a lump the size of coal grow inside my throat, but I forced myself to remain unfazed.

"We watched men of all ages and builds fight, for money! It was so thrilling. I loved it. And, that's when Whitney decided it would be great idea if I started fighting too."

I wanted to scream. Trust me. I wanted to yell, I wanted to cry, I wanted my brain to explode. 

"I really liked it at first. It gave me something to look forward to. And if I won, Whitney would always reward me. We'd go out on a nice dinner, then sneak back to her place and make love. It was amazing. But as I grew, the competition started to grow with me. The guys I was supposed to fight got bigger and bigger, and I couldn't win like I used to. Whitney didn't like it very much. She was always cold to me when I lost, I felt like I disappointed her. She gave me this great opportunity to let out my anger and have fun doing it, and I disappointed her."

"Did you get paid for doing this?" I asked him.

"No. But I didn't need money to want to do it. I wanted to make her happy. And she was so happy when I won, and she was happy because of me."

Because she was making a fuck ton of money off of you!!! 

I wanted to tell Ashton the truth, I wanted to not even let him finish, maybe then he would begin to heel. But was it my place? Did I want to tell Ashton that Luke was involved in the same activity?

"I would catch her making out and stuff with guys that were winning. And soon, she told me she wasn't going to watch me fight anymore. I decided I had to stop. I was becoming too reckless. I was doing anything to win, I would risk hurting someone so bad that they could die, just so I would feel like I won. I would go to her house every day, begging for her. I wanted her to feel happy because of me again."

"Then one day I came home, and her car was parked in the street right in front of my apartment. I thought she finally wants me back! I ran to the flower shop downtown and grabbed her a dozen Lillies, those are her favorite, and when I came home, she was naked and on top of Luke."

The image of Whitney hovering over Luke made me pulsate with disgust. It was sickening. Why did I give a shit?

"The worst part is that she didn't even act sorry, she just said Hi to me, and continued what she was doing. I hated Luke for it, and it's one of the reasons we fight for sure. But when I really think about it, I don't think he knew. But who knows. I love the guy but sometimes I really can't stand him. And maybe he can't stand me, so he didn't care to fuck the only thing that made me feel loved in my entire life right in front of me."

My head began to pound as loud as my heart, with anger, disgust, and disappointment. The memory of Luke and Whitney's friendly and possibly flirty interaction at the bar months ago was lingering in my head like a pop song on repeat. He knew. He knew how much that hurt Ashton, and he still did it. 

Was Luke scamming me too? Out of money? Even though I wasn't the one fighting, my life was put in danger and for what? What he claims is 50% profit?

"Ashton, do you know that L-?"

And just then, there was a brutally fast and hard slamming at the door.