Written to a friend struggling with parents considering divorce and the friend blaming themself. Equally written for anyone else with the same challenge. Edited for general audiences and ease of reading
Listen here. One of the most common lies in these situations is that is is the child's fault. That is a very normal response but completely wrong. If the 2 parents were happy, fine, and stable to begin with, it is then physically impossible to cause such a disaster of divorce yourself. The only time this has ever happened is when the child in question has major physical and or mental issues that lead to low functionality. Any therapist, neurologist, or anyone dealing with people, relations, behavior, ect., will tell you it's not your fault. Expect they have much evidence, studies, and research to prove it. They can pinpoint many different issues that lead to the divorce. There is even new research that predicts divorce chance at marriage and it has over 50% accuracy, before any child is born to be at fault. Due to the way the brain develops, which is up until around 21-25, children/teens in these situations, a surprising majority of the time have, some form or belief that they played a role in the divorce, completely regardless of the situations. They are wrong. My own parents have fought, striking very low blows, accusations, yelling, cursing(which they don't normally do)and extreme passive aggressiveness. Talk of divorce was often brought up and on 2 occasions the other parent expressed a desire to stop living. One even took pills in despair, thought regretted it immediately. He was hospitalized and then admitted to a state of the art mental institution for several months, completely broken. We learned my dad has borderline and since he has been on therapy with such and along battle with some other issues of his, we are doing very well now. I say this to show the other causes of these fights. Mental health issues these days are often undigasioned and much more common as there are thousand of different ones, some people with multiple issues. That is a possible contributor. Back on the 1900, 60,70,or80s when many of our parents grew up, there was a culture in the home that in far to many situations lead to abuse. Including physical, but arguably worse and much to common, emotional and mental abuse. Both my parents and their parents suffered this and have had significant issues because of this. It took my mom many years to recover and my day due to borderline and such still has issues, and he's 40 now. My grandparents, which also experienced such abuse, got it worse and have some major issues to this day, and their in their 60s. This trauma can lead to multiple issues later in life. This could also be a contributor to your parents situation. I myself during of their fights felt similar to many, that it might be in some part my fault. Some feel it is mostly or all their fault. After all this my mom mostly, told me so much I had never known. I was completely, utterly shocked, even shaken to know even a fraction of the depth of their history's. It was then completely obvious that I was at no fault. Many times in these situations, the emotional minds of the people, twist their perceptions. They may actually think it is your fault. Though more likely their pain is so terrible, they will try to deflect or vent their emotions. And often the child can receive these loads of emotions. They are dumped with the parents feelings. Not the truth, facts, or even logic. When your parents are in that state, when anybody is , that is when your perspective will be skewed the most, when logic will be practically unused. And the time when you can trust what they say the least. It's all emotion. IT IS NOT TRUE. Do not listen to them. There is literally no sensible way that you, could cause the intensity of the fights which is what even brought divorce into the picture. Knowing this will change your life. Not knowing or accepting this will cause pain, for much time. I have seen it, the research proves it. It's not your fault and it won't be easy to accept but if you dont you will find pain, and if you accept it, you will be able to find peace much quicker regardless of the outcome. Please consider all this careful and seriously. It will make all the difference.
Love, the Doctor dalek
A friend, and one who wants to save you before you even have the chance to lose yourself.
I care. Please consider this all
