Within your heart

Chapter 4:Pain

We pulled up at the school and I turned to my side to get out of the car and I pulled on the latch to release the car door. Only it was still locked. I turned to face my dad and began "Dad the car doors still locked..." It was only then that I noticed he was crying. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and just continued staring through the glass of the front window. "I still remember your first day of school. How you hated your uniform you kept trying to take it off in the car. Even as a 6 year old you had your wits about you" he chuckled softly I just remained silent and allowed him to ramble. "Your mum thought you weren't ready but I persevered. I believed you could do anything, I still do. I know I'm just your dad and I'm never supposed to ask you favors it's always you asking me for them haha like lifts to town or pocket money or concert tickets. But today I am going to ask you for a single favor. Don't die. I know that it's not exactly something I can really ask of you but I am anyways. Don't die on me don't leave me and your mother. You have to keep fighting even when the challenges increase in number and the tasks seem impossible. I will hold your hand. Just live." I didn't know what to reply. So all I uttered was "Okay". He unlocked the door and I stumbled out in a haze like state. He made it sound so easy. I could never tell him how little time I had left. How the clock never stopped ticking. Staring around the school grounds it seemed to be buzzing with gossip today. Not about me surely as nobody knew so it must be about somebody else. High school gossip suddenly felt so unimportant. So uninteresting. I felt a big thud on my back only to turn around ready to give someone a piece of by mind but found myself staring into the eyes of my friend. Claudia, we called her Clums. Take a guess why. I'll wait. "Sorry Rubes" Claudia replied hurriedly, her apologies were never whole hearted as she bumped into us all the time and we had grown accustomed to walking around with a walking talking safety hazard. Despite Claudia's gravity allergy she was a right good laugh. She looked the oldest out of us all so she would always get us drink. Plus she was the most popular so she would sometimes invite us to parties of the more popular girls in our year and take our group as plus ones. "What's up chick, how was your weekend?" I uttered, interested as Clums always had an interesting story. She seemed incapable of having a normal weekend. "Well...*sigh*" Oh here we go I though "My mum's new boyfriend Richard brought his kids round to meet me, something about wanting to join the families. Penicious little weasels, one tripped me up the stairs and the other tried to steal my make up! You see this! This is what I'm talking about, why even bother having kids I'm sure the devil has enough staff!" Sigh. Kids. I didn't even realize.. it was all so fresh to me.. I would never have kids. I wanted to cry, I looked to the other side as I battled the weep that threatened to escape past my lips. All the hours I'd spent picking my favorite baby names, admiring tiny clothes and shoes and longing for the day I'd get to buy them.

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The morning went by in a flash, most of it was spent pretending to listen in class while my mind did loop di loops. Trying to decide how I'd live my final moments. Book a one way flight to Fiji? Nah even with my savings I wouldn't have enough... And my parents couldn't afford to ship back my body... I didn't really know what to do but school felt like a waste. After all I wouldn't need my education in the grave. It's not like I die and go around handing out my Resume, like here you go Jesus. No way I need to- "Hey!" Santana yelled while running her hand back and forth in front of my face to wake me from my daydream. "Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that head of yours..". Santana was my best friend, oldest friend, wisest friend you name it. God I felt nauseous. I knew it had to be now if not I'd never tell them. "Ruby, you don't look so good.." Natacha uttered as she sipped from the straw plonked in her glass if lemonade. "I have 6 months to live, the reason I've been so sick is because, well.. im dying. It's cancer and it's incurable and I'm sorry" well I thought, that must have gone well considering I'm now sitting at the table. Alone. Everyone departed the table in tears or shock. I hate my life. In this moment I was glad it was ending because a deep and dark out if guilt had begun to form and quite frankly I don't think I could live with it.