Creative Writings

This is what depression feels like.

"Stop resisting from me. Just stop trying when you know you can never escape from me."

"You have already lost the game. It's my turn to take over."

All these taunting voices surrounds me, capturing me forever in their dark dungeon. They haunt everyday. A unbreakable barrier is separating me from happiness, forbidding me to reach forward to touch the joy side of my mind. Keeping me away from the shining light, instead they put me into a prison where no light seeks through. In which only darkness exists. There's a small window in my cell. The light is limited but I should be grateful for that small amount of the outside view. Clear sky now filled with gray clouds. As if pollution mix in with the supposedly fresh air. Dreams aren't made to imagine about, dreams are made to come true. Right?

"You're definitely the ugliest person I've ever known."

"Oh my goodness, what is that on your face?"

Why can't I be beautiful like the other girls? This is so unfair. I can't believe this. You know whenever people asks me that, I would describe the imagery like this. It's miserable that everyday you have to deal with this type of shit. This forever misery and agony is like a on-going maze. Depression can't be demolished. It stays possibly forever until you rest in demise. I tried to be defiant against the torment but I always deferred, unable to deduct the pain. My love ones asks me if I was alright but I would constantly abuse a deceitful lie.

Rage constrain me into making myself as a contempt in front of everyone else. You look into the depths of the mirror, your own reflection even lowered its gaze in shame. The colossal amount of hatred has afflicted me for awhile now and I can't seem to tear it down. My question is, where is the end of this tunnel? When I end it all? I refer tunnel as your depression and agony.  The light at the end of the dark hole seems impossible to find. I avoid mirrors, afraid that my own reflection will judge me too.

You then attempted cutting yourself. And your love ones has no clue of your current actions. How? Isn't it obvious? Of course not, that's because you hid it behind your dirty lies and pretended smiles. What can they do to help you after they find out? Send you to a therapist? They don't understand nor do they ever listen. Your words doesn't matter until your actions speaks louder. So do you start cutting again?

Reasons? Explain yourself.

Is it because of your bad skin? Is it because of your fat body? Is it because your face is "too ugly?" Is it because you're a nuisance to the others? Is it because your brain doesn't work right? Disabilities? Most importantly, is it because of your looks? Glasses?
Braces?

I tell her I'm tired so please let me rest. I told her to leave me alone and stop bothering me. But does she ever listen or care? I don't think so, speaking from my perspective. Her whispers lurks around my ears all night, saying negative things to try and tear me down. Like the wall that stood between us although she can still reach me without even trying. I continuously tries to cover up my ears and ease the whispers but I'm just a failure, what can i say? I guess I'm just too sensitive. She told me, those are little things. You're just too simple and sensitive. But fun to play with. And then you can the sly chuckles coming from her.

Oh, my tears. Those tear droplets expresses hurt and pain. But by what? Normal, it's her again. Save me, because right now, I'm falling into a well of despair and ascetic shame. I call out for my savior to extend out its arms and catch me. Haha. How pathetic. I'm too dumb to believe that someone is actually going to save me.

To justify it in simple form and words, this is what depression feels like. Her is my creation of depression. She is the one who held me back from returning to happy land, whereas the place I don't think exists. All of this goes through my mind daily. Every day. Every month. Every year. She lingers and possibly forever.

This is what depression feels like. A no-ending game where you have to escape from.