Creative Writings

Visualize

Have you ever felt nervous?

Don't lie, because I am surely that everyone has felt nervous before. But how do you get nervous? Answer: Easy. Our stress and nervousness levels can be high at some points in our lives. Such as during an exam period, public speaking, or the worst- getting in front of a group of people and presenting your project. For some lucky people, their enthusiasm always overpowered their anxiousness and nervousness. But for some people out there, it's just really difficult. What can I say, everyones' different. First of all, I've always been nervous when teachers called on me and ordered me to do something in front of the whole entire class. In my honesty, this has frequently been an hard thing to do for me. I am a person who has mental disorders, like depression and anxiety. So whenever my teachers would order me to complete or do something in front of the entire class, my hands would be shaking and i tend to forget the topic we are discussing about which can really be agitating. Hold up, let me describe this relatable and annoying feeling: My heart would start to beat unusually fast and my hands shakes like a machinery. Odd, right? I know. Sometimes, my brain would just automatically forget the answer or topic we are on. Lastly, you're just screaming to yourself that you're going to embarrass yourself so hard that your mother can't even look at you. I'm kidding, don't be an idiotic and mindless person. *lets out a humorless laughs* Anyways, back on track. I just hated whenever teachers just randomly call you up to answer a question and even worse, you either have no idea what this question means 0r you weren't paying any attention to the boring topic whatsoever. Am i right, relatable class buddies? This kind of event happened to me so many times and it's really irritating. Such a nuisance, isn't it? Literally, I tend to lower my head and avoid making eye contact with the teacher when he/she looks around the room for his/her next prey. It's quite scary when you think about it. Adding on, it's not only me. It's most of the students. Period.

Whenever i get up there, my memorization of the supposedly memorized speech or words has been completely erased from my mind. Especially when there are those popular kids in your classes, thinking that you're going to embarrass yourself so badly in front of those rich peeps. It's really terrifying for some people including me, a technical potato face with full blast skin problems. Relatable, right? Yep. Okay, so now you understand nervousness, let's discuss about low self-esteem and mental disorders.

Ever since I've gotten acne and variations of skin problems, I can't even look at a certain person in the eye. Because I'm afraid of their judgements and the feeling of being a 'misfit in the group. Quite pathetic, isn't it? It doesn't allow me to be with friends and family. It makes me want to die whenever i look at myself in the mirror. To me, it's difficult for me to even look at my own reflection without pointing out the stupid imperfections of my face and skin. Plus, I literally compare myself to other girls, seeing if my skin is better than theirs and trying to point out their invisible imperfections on their face or body although i would always fail.

I tried to tell myself that I'm wanted, i am loved, i am worthy, and all that 'good' stuff. But does it always work? Like how Cinderella's godmother waves her wand over the 'ugly duckling' and transforms her into the most beautiful woman in the kingdom and loved by every men including the handsome prince himself. But i don't think that it's that simple to just become that pretty. Although if it's that easy than everyone can fall in love so magically and simple. Like boom! And everyone loves you on and on and on.

Humans like us can never get enough of what we desire, wanting more after having something we desired before. Quite selfish, isn't it?

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You say there's no success without failure. You say you can't see the stars without darkness. If we would just use our blood, sweat, and tears hard enough, we may actually get what we wanted instead of it being given to us that simply. If we would just become nicer and filled with kindness, then will the world become peaceful and lovely once again? If there's no warfare nor any pollution in the world, will everyone be happy and cheery once again? If there wasn't so much fighting going around this planet, will we able to still obtain the love and euphoria that many of us don't possess? Some People states that this is bull crap and believing into this is foolish but they don't realize that they're the ones who are the fools. Without the discrimination, prejudice, and hatred toward one another and love each other like sweet friends. Unfortunately, this is one impossibility we can never fulfill and leave it- blank. There are more words to add on and sentences to be written for this part of humanity, it's just never enough for us.
                 I also wonder if god never gave life to humans, will all of this love and pain ever existed? For my younger self, i never understood what was pain or what was love. Yes, I've been upset or angry before as a child but that fades away quickly instead of staying of there forever. Let's see, how about we use jealousy as an example? Let's transport back to my old memories of my unknown childhood, shall we? I remember that piece of memory so well that i can even write a whole entire story with specific details provided based on that memory. The memory was unforgettable. Mainly upsetting than being happy. But here it is, I'll summarize it for you. It happened back when i first came to the United States. I had no knowledge about this country whatsoever. Yes, I've seen it on TVs and always thought America was magical, extraordinary. I always thought that United States was another version of the North Pole which is the home of Saint Nick and flying reindeers, or a kingdom that holds a castle with a king, queen, princess, or a prince. For a long time, i thought this piece of actual modern land was more of the Harry Potter world. That's how i imagined it to be. Yeah, yeah, call me silly or whatever you pleases, but during this, I was quite serious. Before i even arrived to this so-called magical place, i wasn't so sure that i wanted to live there and adding on, my english was the worst you possibly rate to. Also my Chinese teacher who taught english even gave up on me since my english was so poor. She would often put me into a lower leveled class since my english was just horrible compared to the others.
America was a whole new world for me and my family.
             Thankfully, my mother and father had a friend who lived in the state we were about to move into. She was.. hmm... a tiger Nannie. Since this part is complicated to tell, I'm just going to break it down as simple as i can. But first, let's give her a name, how about tiger nannie? Alright, let's begin. Tiger Nannie babysat two children, the two children were (Fake names) Anna and Jake. Jake and Anna are siblings yet they hated each other. Jake was older that Anna by 4 years. Wait, hold up, that was just the background, we haven't gotten to the hot part yet. In 2012, i arrived to America and was c