Prayers

THREE

THREE

Upstairs, Heather paused by the bathroom and saw a familiar door open a crack and instantly, she knew where her friend had gone. Slender and athletic, Heather had raven hair which she tended to braid over her left shoulder and her bright green eyes were intelligent. As a School Psychologist, she had enormous empathy for her friend and knew that Astrid was hurting...so she soundlessly walked up to the door and gently pushed it open. As she expected, the blonde was sitting in the rocking chair, set under the window for nursing the child that was never coming. As Heather watched from the door, the women clutched a black plush dragon toy to her chest and closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry, baby. I wasn't good enough to protect you, wasn't strong enough to keep you safe, to keep you alive. And now...you're the only baby I'll ever have. And I almost lost Hiccup as well..." Quietly, Heather walked in, sitting beside her friend and wrapping her arm around Astrid in a one-armed hug.

"None of it was your fault," she said compassionately,

"But we had to choose..." Astrid whispered.

"Yes-but the choice he had was to try to save you or leave things to nature and watch you both die," she told the blonde. Astrid hunched her shoulders. "Ast-Hiccup thought he'd lose you both. And he had to sign the papers to give him the chance to save you-at the cost of the child you both wanted so badly. He never moved from your side as you were on the ICU and he was scared that you would hate him when you woke, that you would blame him for killing your child."

There was an awkward pause.

"I do," Astrid admitted wretchedly. "When I woke up and felt so ill, my first thought was that at least the baby was okay. And then the doctor said...they had ended the pregnancy. And I thought...that it couldn't be right because I would never have allowed it...and I knew Hiccup must have given them consent. And I feel so...mad at him for doing that. For killing our baby."

"He had no choice!" Heather replied.

"I know!" Astrid snapped, wiping her eyes with the heel of her hand. "And I feel so guilty because I love him so much as well...but I just keep thinking about my baby and how Hiccup...my Hiccup, the only man I have ever loved, betrayed me and let them kill my child. And he is so sweet and loving and kind so I hate myself for hating him as well..."

"Have you told him this?" Heather asked her cautiously but Astrid sniffed.

"What do you think?" she asked bitterly. "I know he feels guilty as well...and what right have I got to say anything? I can't give him a child. I'm a failure and honestly, if he divorced me and found someone else, I couldn't blame him...!"

"Astrid-one thing I am absolutely certain of is that Hiccup loves you with all his heart and almost losing you all but broke him," she said. She chewed her lip. "I-I shouldn't be telling you this but I heard him praying when you were so sick that the doctors only gave you 30% chance of survival. And he begged whoever was listening to spare you and take him."

Astrid's dulled sea-blue eyes flicked up and inspected her friend.

"And you think he believes this was the Gods telling him he should live?" she asked sharply.

"I'm saying you should talk to him," she urged the blonde. "Hiccup deserves to know how you feel...because he loves you with all his heart. I know it almost destroyed him having to make the choice to save you over your child. He will be wracked by guilt...and he must fear he has made you hate him. That you blame him." Astrid sighed and absently stroked the dragon.

"I-I can't..." she said. "How can I say I hate him when he saved my life? When he prayed for my life? When he's almost been killed himself?"

"And not telling him will tear you both apart when you need each other more than ever!" Heather told her softly. Astrid pressed her lips together and shook her head, a stubborn look on her face. It was the same obstinacy that had saved her life-but it sometimes made changing her mind very troublesome.