This One's For You ☆ JENLISA

I Almost Do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Lookin' out at the city and I bet
Sometimes you wonder 'bout me..

I sighed as I heard Taylor Swift's song bang at my neigboor's apartment. And here I am again, can't help myself but to think of you.

It's only 11pm and I know you're still up. Sitting in your veranda, looking at those city lights while holding a cup of choco milk. You always do that every night, don't ya? But I don't think I still cross into your mind..

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me, not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that everytime I don't
I almost do, I almost do...

It's your 23rd birthday today. I composed a long sweet ass message to send it to you but I ended up not texting you. Why? Cause I'm a coward. I don't know how to approach you after four damn years of being seperated. We always see each other everyday but you're still far away from me. I wanna run to you and hug you and tell you how much I still love you but I can't. I just can't.

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
Cause each time you reach out, there's no reply
And I bet, it never ever occured to you
That I can't say "Hello" to you
And risk another "Goodbye"

I still remember your sweet vanilla scent. I still remember every little thing in you. From your favorite chocolate flavored ice cream and all those chuckles and giggles you gave me everytime you tried to make me laugh on your silly and lame jokes. Those simple things mean alot, and I guess I really can't move forward from it.

The first three months after we broke up, I know you always ask my friends about me, all those text messages you sent me that left unread. Those calls I ignored.. If only I had the courage to tell you what's going on and if only I have the courage to fight for us..

Oh, we made quite a mess, babe
It's probably better off this way.
And I confess babe,
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I wanna try again with you
And I almost do

After a year of being in an amazing relationship with you, my parents already knew about us and they immediately told me to cut my ties with you cause if not, they'll disowe me and let your family suffer. All those shouts and all those curses, I still remember. We were a mess. I said "I don't love you" and you didn't believe me. I tried my best to convince you that I don't love you anymore though in my heart I still love you so much. You left me and I cried myself to sleep.

Is it weird for me to say that I still dream of you every night, asking me to come back to you? And all those times you asked me, I always find myself saying "Yes". Though in reality, I know I can never say that..

And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me, not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do, I almost do

Right now, all I want is to hear your voice again. Tell you I miss you and tell you how much I want you back but since I'm a coward, I can't. I just fucking can't. All I can do now is to regret all the things I did. And this pain? I deserve this because I let go of the one who did nothing but to give all her love to me.

The song is now coming to its end, and I wish that the pain I'm feeling would end too. I know this is my fault but why am I hurting upto now?

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city,
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

It's 12am. Are you still up? I know you're tired from your work but I also know you love cuddles so I know you're still awake right now, probably hugging your wife, Chaeyoung. While me? Here I am, sitting at my veranda looking at the city lights, just like what you always do.

*

I heard you met Chaeyoung five months after we broke up, the time you almost committed suicide, I know it's because of me and God knows I can't forgive myself for leaving you. I visited you at the hospital that night, did you know? But after what I heard and saw, I decided not to show myself. I came in that time when Chaeyoung confessed her love to you and you simply said "I'm sorry but I can't accept you.. B-but If you'll give me time, maybe it'll work cause after all, I wanna move on from her. I wanna forget Jennie." I saw you cried and she pulled you into a hug, and it broke my heart. It broke me because of two things, first was I saw you cried and second is that you want to forget me. Well, congrats baby, because you did. You already forgot about me.. While me? All I can say is I almost do, but I always don't.

|fin.|