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11/2/18 Continued... Again

So I have this problem. I was in a mental hospital twice in the span of like a month and a half, and I keep having dreams I'm still there or I keep, during the day, thinking I am there. Like I'm in school and people touch each other and I get worried that staff will see, but guess what? There's no staff here. And when people swear, I always look around the room for staff. But there is none.

Why is this happening? Can anyone tell me? I'm so confused. I just want to let my time in the hospital go and get along with my life. I want to be normal.

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You know what I'm confused about? Why do some people think I did all of this for attention? I did not cut myself so you would pay attention to me. I did not swallow a bunch of pills so you would actually talk to me. I didn't go into four mental hospitals within six months so that you would actually care. I couldn't care less about how much you or anyone cares. I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to stop feeling things. I wanted to stop breathing. I wanted it all to just end. Let's say you're at a party. Everyone is yelling, talking, laughing, there's music playing really loud, you can probably hear the A/C or the heat coming out of the vents (if it's particularly loud). That's what my life is like. And I just wanted it to be quiet. Idk, that's the best way I can explain it. And it's weird to imagine my life without depression. I mean, it's a lot better now, but who am I without it completely? It's like when you get a cold and you can't breathe out of your nose. You wonder if you'll ever be normal again. And you wonder what normal really is. What is normal? Is normal being happy? What is happy? I haven't felt truly happy in a while. It's like I physically can't experience that emotion. Like, I'm not sad anymore, I don't want to die anymore, but I'm not especially happy. It's weird.