In the Castle of Winterfell in the Northern part of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, Catelyn does sexy things with her husband, Ned, the most unkingly, unmedieval name there is. Like if Ned were alive today, he'd be an insurance salesman or something not Lord of Winterfell, the northern kindom, protector etc.
Ned eats.
Ned prays to his tree Gods.
Ned does his taxes.
Ned decapitates traitor.
Ned finds (murderous direwolf) puppies for his children plus his bastard Jon.
Ned happy in a grumpy brooding way.
King Robert comes for a visit.
King Robert: Hey Ned, Harr Harr, killing, eating, sex, killing, eating eating btw Ned you wanna help me with my new job of being King?
Ned: Does Ned have a choice?
King Robert: wtf did I become a King for? Everyone has to do what I say.
Ned: Ned will melt in the South
King Robert: four words, ess p eff sixty
MEANWHILE
Bran runs along the castle walls and balconies etc frolicking. Accidentally sees Cersei and Jayme Lannister (twins aka real brother and sister) doing sexy thangs.
Bran: whaaa
Jayme: a kid!
Cersei: ew
Jayme pushes him off the balcony and Bran becomes a cripple.
Bran: aw maaaaaaaaaaaan, that suuuuuuuuucks! (for like a bajilion chapters, please excuse the insensitivity)
Catelyn: mah bebeh! who killed mah bebeh?! Lannista! I'ma cutchu! Ned, you are NOT going to the South!
Ned: I do what I wawnt woman!
Ned leaves with Arya and Sansa, his two daughters and their two (murderous) puppies.
At the Red Keep, King Robert's castle.
Sansa is betrothed to Prince Joffrey.
Sansa: teehee
Joffrey: Huh, I'm be-effing-trothed to a real girl
Tyrion: shut the eff up Joffrey (slap)
Arya goes out and does fun things like riding horses and making friends while Joffrey and Sansa frolick with their noses so far up their arses they couldn't breathe properly.
Joffrey: hey let me shoot that guy randomly
Arya: no! my soon to be love interest!
Joffrey: Huh Huh
Arya's puppy mauls Joffrey.
Joffrey screams like a girl.
Arya: shut the eff up Joffrey (slap) --not really but I wish
At the house, Joffrey blames Arya etc and gets Sansa's puppy killed. When you're dating and the guy kills your puppy, that, ladies and gentlemen is a Red Flag!
MEANWHILE:
Daenerys's brother Viscerys gets her married to a barbarian savage twice her age and three times her size for her thirteenth birthday.
Daenerys: why?
Viscerys: because he has what is called, "mulah" and we have what is called, "jack shit except your boobs" soo
