Jon the Bastard is training at a unique facility, dressed in all black, calls his co-workers "brothers" you might think he's now in a cult or a ninja, he's none of the above--story of his life. He's a night's watch brother training at the wall to like, protect the kingdom from, snow, or Elsa.
Okay fine, he's just celibate border patrole. That's it. They hype it up too much.
SAM: I'm such a loser
JON: No just believe in yourself
SAM: Okay
They discover dead bodies
Someone: let's take it back to investigate
JON: I think that's a bad idea
Someone: shudup
The dead bodies come alive
JON: I told you
Jon saves errbahdy.
SAM: Jon u so cool, I wanna be like you
JON: No you don't because I'm a bastard and that sucks and I can't even have sex like ever :(
Old Bear: Here Jon a sword to reward you for your efforts
JON: Well whoopdidoo, that's not my father's sword because Ned liked Rob better. Stupid Ned. Why can't iiiiii have the better bedroom? Because I'm a bastard! Why does 'Rob' get the good candy? Beacuse he's not a BASTARD! I NEED SKITTLES TOO NED! *ultimate pout 4eva'*
MEANWHILE
King Rob decides to go hunt a boar to unwind.
Cersei: das dumb tho
King Rob: ur dumb. girls r dumb (actual punch)
*insert jousting tournament George uses to introduce all the characters used in the books to come, also to set fire to Sansa's loins the Lana Del Rey way*
King Rob is dying.
ROB: I'm dying Ned
NED: Shoot I had to tell you something
ROB: What?
NED: I SAID, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
ROB: WHAT IS IT?
NED: You're wife--
ROB: Bye.
Rob dies
Littlefinger: Ned, you should like take over the kingdom now.
NED: What about Rob's little brother?
Littlefinger: r u dumb. Cersei will cutchu
Ned goes to bed.
Ned wakes up surprised to be like surrounded and stuff and is taken hostage and put in jail.
Arya: crap something bad is happening, we gtf out
Sansa: do you think this dress makes me look fat?
Arya leaves. I leave. George leaves....And then George comes back to write the rest and its great.
IN DE DUNGEON:
Varys visits Ned in de dungeon.
Varys: Ned, was' up
Ned: I h8 errthing rn
Varys: u gotta bend the knee and pledge allegiance to blondie
Ned: no
Varys: then u gon' daaaie bb
MEANWHILE
Cersai: Sansa bb we gon kill yo dad
Sansa: plz I love him and stuff
Cersei: fine, only if you threaten your family
Sansa: k
HOUTSIDE
Cersei: now for the trial of Ned Stark, what do you plead?
Ned: Ned guilty, Ned bend de knee to King Joffrey
Joffrey: Kill him mommy
Cersei: wut
Joffrey kills Ned.
Arya watches from the crowd strong-man crying.
Yoren: Arya, u wanna go to the wall?
Arya: k
Arya and Yoren escape with other boys.
Yoren: also pretend ur a boy, you dont have boobs so its easy
Arya: rude.
MEANWHILE:
Khal Drogo dies and they prepare to burn him.
Daenerys: bb I'm coming 2
She steps in the fire with her dragons eggs and they hatch.
Daenerys: look dragons! look I'm neked!
Dotharki: she's neked and she's the mother of dragons aaaand she has a nice butt....all hail Khaleesi!
Daenerys: leggo mah peeps.
RED KEEP:
Sansa: mah daddy's dead and I'm getting faaaaaat :(
Ned is Dead.
The End.
