fighting love » l.s.

twenty four - sometimes

Harry went immediately down the stairs, putting his head down and pushing his way through the crowds. Louis had just kissed him -- again -- and he had no idea what to make of it. He was still with Eleanor, yet behind closed doors, he acted like Harry was the one he wanted. And it was making Harry's head explode. Deep in thought, he accidentally slammed into another body. Harry immediately opened his mouth to apologize, but stopped as soon as he was who it was.

The girl he'd run into was, of course, Eleanor. An extremely drunk Eleanor. Her eyes lit up when she realized who he was, an angry expression crossing her face.

"You," she sneered, pressing a sharp finger against his chest. "Of course it's you."

"I was just leaving," Harry said quickly, moving to the side to slip past her.

"No, wait," she said slowly, glancing back up the stairs and then turning to Harry again. "You were up there with him, weren't you? With Louis?"

Harry didn't know what to say. What was he supposed to tell his best friend's girlfriend -- that he was just upstairs making out with her boyfriend when they were supposed to be just friends?

Her eyes raked over his body, stopping abruptly at his neck. She tilted her head to the side, mouth turning upward into a smirk as though she was putting the pieces together. Harry's fingers flew to his neck, realizing only then the marks that his brief time with Louis had left on his body.

"You were with him," she nodded, words slurred together into a barely coherent line. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised."

"I'm sorry," Harry offered, his statement coming out more like a question. He didn't know what to say. He just really wanted to get out of there, but he was frozen in place.

"No, I'm sorry," she replied, covering her mouth to muffle an obnoxious giggle. "You poor thing, you probably think he's in love with you."

The blood rushed to Harry's face and he shook his head quickly. "What are you talking about?"

"You think he has feelings for you because he kissed you? Because he touches you? He's a teenage boy, Harry. He tried to have sex with me a few hours ago -- you aren't special. He came to you after I turned him down. Louis wants one thing, and he'll get it wherever he can."

"You're wrong," Harry replied, his voice almost as quiet as a whisper. He'd pushed Louis to kiss him. Louis didn't take him upstairs to have sex. He just wanted to talk. That's all.

"You can think whatever you want," Eleanor replied with a shrug, offering Harry a smug smile. "I guess I'd just want to know if I was a second choice."

And with that she turned away, trying to walk smoothly back into the crowd but stumbling a bit on her way. Harry barely noticed, though, as he stood frozen in place. He had just shared his biggest secret with Louis, and now he felt like more of an idiot than before. His chest was tight and he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes.

Harry pulled out his phone and, with trembling fingers, dialed Liam's number. The phone rang a few times before going to voicemail. He ran his fingers through his hair as he scanned the crowd for his friends -- he just wanted to go home.

"Harry?"

Harry sighed a breath of relief as he turned to face his Irish friend. Niall's forehead scrunched in concern as he took in Harry's distressed form, making a mental note that Harry and parties never seemed to end well.

"Ni, where's Liam?" Harry asked quickly.

"He went somewhere with some girl," Niall shrugged. "Why? What's wrong?"

"I just -- I need to go home," Harry said, running his fingers through his curls. "I don't want to ruin your night, but I need to get out of here."

Niall nodded immediately, reaching out to wrap an arm around Harry's shoulders. Harry flinched slightly at the contact, memory of the bedroom still fresh in his brain, but Niall didn't seem to notice as he guided the curly-haired boy towar the door.

"Straight home?"

"Yes, please," Harry replied as they got into the car. Niall pulled away from the party quickly, almost as if he knew how desperate Harry was to get to somewhere he felt safe. "Thank you so much for doing this, Ni. I know how excited you were about this party -- I'm sorry I ruined it."

"Hey, you didn't ruin anything," Niall assured him, stealing a glance at the younger boy. He didn't know what to do to comfort Harry -- Liam was always better in these situations. Liam always knew exactly what to say and exactly what to do. All Niall could do now was do what Harry asked and hope that was enough.

Harry kept his eyes trained on his lap, fiddling nervously with his sleeves as a comfortable silence fell over the two boys. Harry's mind was racing with Eleanor's words, trying to figure out what was real. Nothing made sense. He thought he knew Louis, but did he really?

Before Harry knew it, Niall pulled into his driveway. Harry unbuckled his seatbelt immediately, starting to get out of the car. "Thank you so much for driving me, Ni."

"Do you need anything else?" Niall asked, worry clear on his face even in the darkness. "I can stay, if you want. I don't have any other plans for the night."

"No," Harry said quickly, mind already wandering. He needed to be alone. "I just need some time to think."

Niall opened his mouth as though he wanted to protest, but then he nodded. "Alright, mate. Call if you need anything. Anytime."

"Of course," Harry faked a smile, closing the door and giving a small wave before heading up into his house. Niall watched the boy go, observing Harry's hunched shoulders and wondering what could have made him suddenly so sad. He wondered if he should follow Harry inside and refuse to let him be alone right now, but he shook his head lightly to himself, backing the car out of the driveway and heading back to the party.

Although Harry expected himself to break down as soon as the front door closed behind him, he felt surprisingly calm as he walked into the house and headed up the stairs.

Instead of going straight to his bedroom, he turned to go into the bathroom, not bothering to close the door behind him. Nobody was home, and nobody cared anyway.

More than anything, everything that had happened between him and Louis had him feeling worthless. Unlovable. Ugly, disgusting, fat, damaged, broken -- he couldn't think of any other reason that Louis would act this way. As if the blue-eyed boy thought he had feelings for Harry, but every time Louis was around him, he realized all of the reasons that Harry would never be enough. All of the reasons that Harry would never be Eleanor. All of the reasons that Louis would never want him.

Harry's heart hurt.

So Harry went into the bathroom, digging through the cabinets to find what he needed: a razor. He had never done this before, but he'd seen other people doing it. They said it helped, and he needed a distraction. Anything that hurt worse than the throbbing pain in his chest.

Harry sat down on the edge of the bathtub, sucking in a deep breath, and suddenly all of the tears he'd been holding back started to flow down his cheeks. In seconds, he was sobbing uncontrollably, a combination of remembering everything that had happened and realizing what he was about to do.

Tears blurred his eyes and he watched, mesmerized, as his shaking hand dragged the piece of metal across his pale wrist.