Trials Of Noor

Chapter twenty-two

The house was quiet when we got back from our little drive. I assumed they retired for the night. The eerie silence creeped me out that I started to feel myself shiver.

"It's late Nooriy, you should go to your room now and sleep" Sa'ad spoke slowly, saying out the words one after the other; as if speaking to a one year old. I nodded while he slumped on the couch and yawned.

Antie Luba and Uncle Alee had taken the guest room downstairs which left sa'ad with the uncomfortable couch.

I walked upstairs, past the numerous suitcases piled up. It'd probably take Auntie Luba weeks before she unpacks everything. I wondered how may packs of daddawa and kuka(dried baobab leaves) she had stuffed into the bags.

Instead of pulling the silver handle to my door, I turned and retraced my steps. A voice in my mind told me to abort and head back to my room, but I had a strong resolution to go there.

Without turning on the lights, I traced my hands against the walls as I sauntered to the underground vault.

When Mama refurnished my room, she took out all the old stuff and hid all of it in the basement. It reminded me of the terrifying nightmares, the sleepless nights and the depression. Every now and then, I sneak down here without her knowledge.

The whole place was covered in dust and cobwebs when I switched in he lights. It flickered before it brightly shone. The pearls on my hijab sparkled as I walked deeper into the room. I opened the old cupboard and without searching, I pulled out a big carton and sat on the floor, not minding the dust.

The first thing I bought out was the blood stained dress. It was a purple short sleeved dress that stopped right below my ankles. It was torn messily had a stagnant odor. The tears welled up but I held them back, trying to stay strong.

The next thing I picked was a sling attached to an arm cast. Then a box of empty sleeping pills. Then I bought out a white wig I didn't know was in the box. It was the same wig I wore to my Career day event when I was 8. I dressed up as a lawyer. It was that same day that Abba gifted me a doll because I had spoke so bold on stage. I roughly rummaged the box until I found the doll.

I dropped everything back in the box and sobbed. Everything came back in a rush. Every feeling of dejected I had tightly sealed escaped and hit me hard until I felt my head throbbing.

Why wasn't Abba here when we needed him. It's that same feeling of rejection that makes me feel guilty and blame my self. And then the guilt leads to depression and then I slowly slowly start to lose my sanity. Three years now and I can count the number of times he visited. Eleven times. Three times on my birthday, twice on his and mama's wedding anniversary, five times due to his meeting with the minister and one time I'm not quite sure why he came.

Every time he calls, I get to hear the longing in mama's cold voice. It wasn't like that before. He squeezes his schedule and drives down from Kaduna every week. Every single week, he never misses.

I sat in the basement for what seemed like an hour then I switched off the lights and walked upstairs to my room, where I curled in my freshly washed duvet and tried to sleep.

But sleep was far away from me and my eyes were still wide open when I heard the adhan for Subhi prayer (dawn prayer)

*

It was after I prayed Subhi that realization stuck me. Sa'ad, Auntie Luba and uncle Alee were leaving today. I don't know when next I'd see Sa'ad again. I don't know how I'd live without him.

He was the standing pole in my life, the strong one that taught me how to stay strong. He was with me since the very day my mother gave birth to me, and he stayed by my side without budging. He didn't fix me, he taught me how to pick up my broken pieces and fix myself.