Trials Of Noor

Chapter twenty-three

Noor

I sank deep into the couch as I watched mom speaking to someone on her phone. Her hair all tangled and messily forming a ponytail. The dark circles under her eyes portrayed her lack of sleep.

I watched the way her lips moved, the way she scratched her forehead before she spoke, the way her eyebrows burrowed and the way she perfectly concealed the anger she felt. No matter how hard she did try to conceal her anger, it always reflected in her eyes.

Like the sun reflecting on broken pieces of mirror, no matter how small the piece of mirror is, you'd still see the sun, in every piece.

"Why Sadiq? Why are you pushing us away?.....Noor needs you, we need you....Work, work and work, that's always the excuse" I saw the rage in her eyes, but her voice wasn't matching the rage, instead it was soft.

"Don't go too far Sadiq, that one day when you turn back, you won't find us" she placed the phone on the table by the side of the arm chair and smiled at me softly. She thinks I didn't hear.

Of course Noor wouldn't hear, she's always engrossed in the little world she had created in her mind...the world of fear and depression and psychosis

I wanted so badly to hug her tightly, to console her, to take her miseries and sadness upon myself, to take every bit of pain away from her. I prayed for her, every single day when I place my forehead on the ground, I prayed to Allah to take away the pain in my mother's life, to bring an end to all her hardships. She had gone through so much, I'm afraid she won't be able to take anymore.

"Mama..." I called out

"Noor? What's wrong" she moved and sat next to me on the big couch. She felt my body temperature with her hands, rubbing the area around my earlobes.

"I think I'm ready, I want to see a psychiatrist mama, I want to get treated, again" I gulped, shutting my eyes before I continued "For you my mama, I'm ready to take the pain once again, to be alright, for you"

I saw, her eyes beamed with newfound happiness.

"Really?" She sputtered

I nodded, giving her a smile that didn't reach my eyes.

"I'll call Dr Laweza..." she raved

"No mama...not her. Let's consult another doctor, someone different"

I've spilled to Dr laweza more than she should know about me, if possible I don't want to meet her ever again.

Mama seemed she was in deep thoughts for a while before she spoke. She mumbled words like 'I know who to call' and 'that would be the best option' but my mind shifted to the picture on the wall.

I made a mental note to myself. I would take down that picture, the very day the doctors declare me mentally and physically stable.

It was before I went to bed that day, that I had seen the text message from Sa'ad

S~So sorry nooriy, I didn't call earlier. Just finished settling in our new home. The company agents had a misunderstanding about me being a 'girl' and they painted my room pink-thinking I'd love it...urrrgh! Now I live in a room filled with soft pillows, pink flowers and cuddly animals...don't laugh noor!

I miss you terribly nooriy ....really.

**

It was a thursday morning. I woke up very late. The sun was already up and I hadn't prayed Fajr(dawn prayer). I quickly performed ablution and prayed. I wondered why mama did not wake me up. She's always up at 5:30am sharp. Not a minute late.