My Love, My Saviour, My Student 2 • Shawn Mendes

6.

Faye Dawson
I didn't know how to feel. There was this nagging in my heart telling me that I wanted him back, but seeing him close with that girl just made me realise that he's moved on. He didn't want me anymore.

I knew I had to go to my individual session with Shawn today no matter how much I didn't want to go. I threw on black jeans, a black vest along with a pink coat I loved.
I grabbed my bag, folder and laptop after putting on some makeup. I took a deep breath as I closed the door behind me.
Whilst walking to Shawn's I debated the situation over in my head. I could just turn round now and pretend i was sick. Each time I thought of a new reason not to go it took more and more of me to convince myself that it was just a tutor session. That was all.
Before long I couldn't make the excuse that I was sick or I couldn't come because I was walking down his driveway, and he was already stood in the doorway waiting for my arrival.
"You're late" He said and I rolled my eyes.
"Fuck off" I said and I saw him smile a small smile before letting me in the house.

What's he playing at? Ditching me, being with another girl and now he's giving me his classic Shawn smile?
That single smile made me nervous. It gave me that foreshadowing feeling that I was going to have to confront my feelings about Shawn and what I wanted. And I didn't know what I wanted.
It would take a hell of a lot to convince me to get back with him. He would have to work for it. Well, that's what I liked to tell myself. I couldn't deny that I was still attracted to Shawn. I loved him. I knew I did. Which made my morals of trying to be strong and not give in to him so hard.
"Where do you want to work?" He asked and I shrugged.
"Wherever you thinks best. It depends on what you're wanting to do" I said and he nodded.
"Do you want a tour?" He smiled and I shrugged again trying to suppress the smile playing on my own lips.
I have him a nod and put my bag down on the small table next to his door.

I couldn't believe how beautiful his house was. All the rooms were a pristine white colour, with his bedroom being the only room that had colour. His sheets were red on his large four poster bed and they had a velvet cover on them. It was similar to his room back in the U.K in terms of lay out.
I noticed there was a string of photos along the window sill and walked to look at them. There were photos of his family, Toronto, friends, and then one tucked behind a frame caught my eye. Paris. I took the photo out and I could feel Shaws presence behind me. It was the photo of me holding his hand out in front  of me smiling in front of the Eiffel Tower.
"Why do you have this?" I managed to ask after a good few minutes looking at it.
"I couldn't throw it away. It means too much. It shows the time when I was happy" he said and I looked up into his eyes. "Can we talk? Properly talk?"
I sighed and nodded quickly.
"Do you want a drink? I have that hot chocolate stuff that you like?"
"Marshmallows?" I asked looking down.
"And cream?" He said and I smiled nodding.
God he makes it so hard for me to hate him.
"You can go upstairs if you want to talk in there?" Shawn asked and I nodded as we parted.

I sat nervously on the sofa, my legs became restless and I couldn't sort through the nervous thoughts in my head. I crossed and uncrossed my legs so many times, I fiddled with my hands and clothes, anything to distract myself from the conversation that was going to come.
I shifted in my seat as I heard the door open and close.
"Here," Shawn said putting the drink down in front of me.
"Thank you" I said smiling.

"So,"
"You know what I don't want to do the bullshit Shawn. Let's just get straight to it. What were you doing over the summer? Truthfully" I said the adrenaline taking over the fear.
"Truthfully? Nothing good. Bars, clubs mainly. Sleeping with girls I shouldn't of slept with" Shawn said running his hands through his already messy hair.
"Being a fuck boy then. All the while I was so worried about you. About us." I said frustrated at him.
"I didn't think. I honestly thought you'd forget about me with all the travelling and work you'd be doing" Shawn said and I rolled my eyes.
"Then you must of been completely oblivious to how much I loved you" I said and he moved to sit next to me.
"I know you did. I took you for granted and i can't begin to tell you how sorry I am" Shawn said and I sighed.

There was a silence and I could see him staring at my shoulder as I took my coat off. He moved forward towards me so he was about two foot away and reached his hand out.
I couldn't help but flinch as he ran his fingertips over my scar.
"How did you get it?"
"I was helping to build a house in Africa and a metal pole slipped and cut me" I said pulling down the top of my vest slightly so he could see the full scar.
I pressed more of his hand on top of the scar and I flinched again.
"I'm not going to hurt you" he whispered.
"You did hurt me Shawn" I said feeling the tears come to my eyes. "You hurt me so badly. I thought we were going to stay together. You said we would be together and that you loved me and I believed you. I love you so much Shawn"
"Love?"
"Loved" I corrected myself. "I wanted to be with you. I had this stupid idea in my head that we would live together and get married and have the dream"
"It's not a stupid idea" Shawn said retracting his hand.
"Obviously it was a stupid idea otherwise you would of stayed with me. You would of kept in contact at least" I said letting a few tears fall.
"As I said before I can't start to tell you how sorry I am. I was so stupid to let what we had go. It was some of the best times in my life and looking back, I will never forgive myself for loosing you" He told me and I sighed, forcing myself to raise my eyes to meet his.
"You haven't lost me completely"

"What?"
"Shawn, I'm still attracted to you and I loved what we had" I said honestly.
"So we're back together?" He asked and I shook my head.
"No. It's going to take more work than that. I don't trust you as much anymore, and I don't love you" I said and he nodded as if he understood.
"I'll work for you. I'll work my hardest just to get you back in my life. I promise" he said taking one of my hands in his. "How about dinner tonight? It's a Friday so you don't have lectures this weekend" Shawn asked and I pretended I was considering it in my head.
"Ok." I said almost timidly.
"If you come here then I'll take you somewhere" Shawn smiled and I nodded.
"I better go and get ready then" I smiled knowing that this man was the one I wanted to be with.