Counting Steps

d y s p h o r i a

I'm tired. Really tired. I want to sleep for a few years and wake up when everything has changed. I thought I could get better. Now my whole body aches.

I want so badly to release the air in my lungs. I want to reach the surface of the water and let fresh air in, but I'm being held under by recurring currents that push me under and hold me hostage here. I know it sounds cheesy, like an overused metaphor, but it's the closest thing I can think of to how I feel. All the time.

I try to look at my body and say, "I don't hate you." But I do. I do hate it. It's not my body's fault, it's not anyone's fault. I'm just the product of a disaster that I can't seem to fix.

Sometimes I think something's wrong with me. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like I was born in the wrong body.

I have the most amazing friends and family that I could ever ask for. They support me and help me through things when it's hard for me to do them on my own. But never once in my life have I felt so alone.

There's things that trigger it. Seeing a guy shirtless, hearing a man's voice. A man existing. Men who have transitioned, cis men, confident men, men. Why can't I be them? Why do I have to be this?

One of the parts that really hurts is that I can get to like someone really quickly. Like, like someone. I wish I didn't. The only thing that comes out of it is unwanted stress and the overwhelming urge to shut myself away. I try not to like people anymore. Not in that way. It's hard, though. I don't want to feel like a monster.

They could never like you like that.
You're disgusting.
You're not a real boy.
You're just pretending.
You're doing it for attention.
You don't deserve love.

I can't think of anything else now, when I see or think of someone I'm interested in.

I'm stuck.