Counting Steps

painful

   I know it's not a very poetic title but I wanted to put it how it is. I am in so much pain. I was told by my doctor yesterday that I can't get top surgery until I'm eighteen, which means the bane of my existence will be with me for another two years. I haven't cut in a year or so and I haven't been lately because I thought it might interfere with them allowing me surgery for some reason but now there's nothing stopping me.

I'm slipping back into the hole of my eating problems. When I was twelve to thirteen years old I had a really hard time with my body. I was never diagnosed because I was extremely cautious about it. I finally stopped obsessing and starving myself around thirteen. Ever since then my eating and body image has still been very important to me. I wouldn't say being transgender made it worse but it definitely didn't help. And now I'm afraid it's happening again. The rotting in the pit of my stomach. The echo in the back of my mind. It's appearing again.

I've come so far. So why now?