Counting Steps

A t t r a c t i o n

    It's 7:52. I'm laying in bed thinking of all the people I've ever liked and even fallen in love with.

Whoop here we go, a cheesy chapter with no positive outcome.

I'm a junior in highschool now. I'm only fifteen. I have my whole life to find someone.

But that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.

Sometimes I don't think I deserve love because of what I've done to people.

Two people have liked me in my life in that way and I ended up hurting them. Maybe that's not many for some of you but it's enough for me to think that maybe I shouldn't be complaining.

I shouldn't be trying to find someone when people have already found me. I guess the thing with that is I just never felt found.

I still feel lost. Like I'm on a stranded island and the only thing that brings me comfort is a dry coconut that I keep sucking on, trying with all my might to get even just the tinniest bit more water out.

Being a hopeless romantic has taught me a few things.

1. It's not glamorous or fun
2. It's painful

Since my lack of physical contact with other people occupies my mind a lot my hearts capacity to handle things is a little shitty. One little thing, one little thought, and my mind swirls down the toilet drain and right into the sewer.

I'll think for hours about how I want things to play out. I'll beg myself to stop but I never listen.

I just let my heart ache knowing that nothing good will come from liking someone who doesn't like me back.

So I can cry and cry because of how much my heart hurts but nothing would change. Nothing will change.

And I can't tell anyone except you.