Eventually I imagined my dad's reaction and how he would cope if I died.
He'll lock up his emotions. Whimpering, growling, angry. He'll cry. I hate seeing him crying. He almost never cries. He'll go back into deep, dark depression.
It's horrifying. I don't want him to go through that. It's better that he finds out I have depression and help me out rather than him going through THAT and being hurt by THAT. Because THAT is permanent. I will never ever come back.
You may not have that with your dad, but your mom.
Your mom.
You think she'll get over it? You think her problems will be solved and she'll be alright and your parents will stop arguing if you're gone?
No. She won't ever get over her child dying, her ONLY child dying, her precious, precious child whom she loves with her whole heart no matter how much she yells at her dying. ESPECIALLY if she could have done something about it.
If only her child told her what was going on, she could have done something about it.
Sure, let's say that your parents will stop arguing over you (though I doubt it; maybe they'll blame each other. Maybe they'll blame themselves. Maybe one of them will do something they both will regret).
Do you know what a broken family looks like? Wait- let me rephrase that. Do you know what a broken family with a dead child looks like?
Do you know how they'll feel for the rest of their lives?
Forever guilty
Forever regretting things
They'll be depressed
Can you imagine your mom depressed?
What about your cousins?
What about your friends? Your old ones and the new ones you made recently?
What about your aunt and uncle and grandma?
What about me?
GO GET HELP
I SWEAR
IT'S BETTER THAN EVERYONE GOING MAD OVER YOUR DEATH
IT'S BETTER THAN FEELING ALL THIS
I KNOW IT MAY SEEM LIKE YOU HAVE NO OTHER WAY OUT BUT YOU DO
FORGET YOUR FEARS OF GETTING HELP
STOP DENYING THAT YOU NEED HELP
STOP SAYING THAT IT'S TOO LATE BECAUSE IT'S NEVER TOO LATE WHILE YOU'RE ALIVE
GET HELP BECAUSE I'M F***ING GOING MAD
