We pretended that we had forever

We did not have forever

  I was everything to, I could ask you to move the stars for me and you would, always.
And you were everything to me, since day one, I just didn't know it until it was late, not too late, but still there was not enough time, you didn't have enough time.
I should have understood it sooner, I should have read the signs sooner, maybe, if I did I could have saved you and if I did we'd be together right now, maybe who knows?
Maybe, you'd still be gone after this, but we would have had our time together ,maybe I would have held you more, like I know I should have done from the beginning.
And I don't think I told you, but I love you, I always did, I was just oblivious to it, and now is late, 'cause you will be gone and I will never get to hold you. For now all I am going to do is look at you the way I've been doing for months and I'll imagine that we have forever.

  We infact did not have forever, we had days bur still years, but you were not mine. Not in the words at least, you didn't want us to say it out loud, you said the goodbye would hurt more if we did, so we didn't. That did not mean that you were not mine, because you were and for the first time you actually knew and maybe that was the reason why.
The reason why you smiled more, but have in mind more did not mean most, you stopped smiling a little while ago. I guess it hurt you, but you started again and I could tell that it still hurts you maybe because you were finally happy.
I remember one night, when we were planning our big getaway and we ended staying up, just you and me, staring at the stars you told me that this, this was your happily ever after, that life was finally fair and that through all your pain your heart was finally happy. You smiled faintly, you closed your eyes and you fell asleep right there beside me and I felt at peace.

  You almost did not wake up the next morning, and the black veins were visible no matter what you did, and you were beautiful.
The end was coming, you your- self told me so, and I broke down and you held me and comforted me like it was I who was slowly fainting away, and I might as well was I who was being ripped apart.
You were being ripped away from me far too soon, and I couldn't smile anymore, and the tears were pouring and they were taking you from me love. And it was too much, the pain was too much, the way there was nothing I could do to keep you with me till the next sunrise.
You did not want me to do something.
You started ignoring it the more I started getting to you, your eyes lost their glim, you were keeping quiet, I was losing you and I couldn't do anything. I kept trying to cheer you up I talked to you about nothing and everything all at the same time. We talked and talked for hours until you grew tired and wanted to sleep, you were tired à lot. We kept talking and living and laughing, and I looked at you like you painted all the stars in the sky, completely oblivious to the fact that I was going to be left alone in the end of it. Because there is always an end whether it is a good or a bad one, we pre- tended that we had time.

  Until we didn't, until we were about to leave and start over, but clearly fate had it different for you, darling. When we were about to learn what freedom means, you were minutes away from learning what being a star feels like, and I, oh I, was about to learn what living with half a soul felt like.
And I had to kill you, you were begging me to do it, you looked me in the eyes your stare filled with love and asked me to kill you. You for whom I'd find a way for the stars to shine in the morning, that's what I did. With trembling hands and a broken gase I looked at you my love, and pulled the trigger. There was no scream, no pain in your face just plain relief and for that the sharrow was a little less bitter.

  And now, now that I don't have you my love, now that you are not here to support me, to hold me and tell me that it is going to be better, now I am no one. You made me someone, you made me better, and now I am left alone to find a way to cope with the pain. To find a way that looking at the stars won't be painful, to find a way to live while being half dead.
And I miss you, god I miss you so much, I miss the way you would always call me out on my bullshit, but still support me. I miss the way you taught me things, like how home is not always a house where you stay at, but the place where you feel at peace the most like a save heaven, and by that, you my beautiful angel were my home.

  And now you are at your own heaven darling, you found after all this time what freedom feels like among the stars.