The universe mixed with you.

wood

fourth period
english.

my shoes looked dirty
but i had studied each speck of dirt
throughout the day
on those converse
i kept my eyes fixed
on them
so as to not draw attention
to myself
I looked up as I walked occasionally
although I like pain in some circumstances,
embarrassment is worse.
so i pay attention
and get things done
and stay out of the way
though my hands and fingers
itch with a longing
that i have to resist
to just walk out
staring ahead
rather than at my shoes
picturing grass and flowers
rather than the hard tile
stars and dreams
rather than the fluorescent lights.
I try to picture it
I want to close my eyes to make it easier
but i have to keep them open
paying attention
avoiding embarrassment
blinking even is a risk
still i daydream
the smell after rain
when water falls from the trees
and everything is quiet
that's where i want to be.
instead i face reality
the cold hard seat under me
the wood under my fingertips
I can almost feel
the dozens of dreams lost in this wood
the secrets
love
pain
the souls who left and came and left and came
i wonder if my soul will go into this wood too.
would i want that?
In a way
it's like a reminder
to the souls
who are lost
telling them
i'm here
it's okay
I got through this and so can you
feel this wood?
im right here with you
no matter what.
please believe me
because i know you wouldn't believe yourself
i know how it feels
when everything is empty.
and i won't be able to see them
i'll be dozens of miles away
or in another world
or universe, maybe
so they'll know that there's no judgement
not from me at least.
but would it be a lie, in all reality?
would it be fraudulence
because i don't know if
i'm out of here yet
subconsciously
i feel my fingernails
digging into the wood
and i imagine them leaving a mark
on the underside
but i don't look
i just keep it in my mind that it's there
and i imagine the desk as rock
and i'm standing 400 feet above the ground
water rushing under me and down
down
down
the water goes faster than my thoughts
which seems nearly inconceivable
so i close my eyes
and my hands slip
falling
falling
until there's nothing at all
and it's over.

my eyes snap open
i release my hands from the wood
not real
happens all the time
i shake my head.
visions.

but my hands are shaking too
and i try to remain calm
i know i have to
anywhere else
i can be like this
but the souls who will be at this wood
need a calm soul inside of it

i glance up
to distract myself from the shaking
and my eyes widen a bit
i feel like gravity is being lifted
from my head
and my skull
you turn around
for a split second.
that's enough.
I tap on the wood three times.
-alexis

A/N- another part? within like a day? it's more likely than you think. It's like 1 am and i had sudden inspiration to write a chapter about Alexis seeing Kate for the first time, but my mind wandered (just like alexis's) and i ended up just putting that part at the end. i hope this chapter is okay. i hope it doesn't seem rushed. i tried really hard on it.

comment ur thoughts here. on the book or just in general. i love you always.

A/N 2- How do you deal with wanting to do something, but not wanting to do something because it will disrupt how others see you? not sure if that makes sense. Need some advice right now because i want to do some things but people might not like them. i can specify more in private.

i love you and you're doing great. please keep reading if you like it.
-sidney ❣️