Blue Glass

Manfred

POV CHANGE #1

I waited until the nurse called Käte shut the door to slam my fist into my beside table.
Goddamn! Damn it all!!
I had known all along that what I wanted to achieve in this war was glory. It was what I had spent all those years in military schools training for. I had attained it in the best way I knew how; I had risen to the top of the totem pole through sheer willpower and determination. And now, here I was—reduced to nothing but a man in a hospital bed in bandages, at the mercy of the women in white that tended to me, and seemingly possessing a heart of stone that not even the most magnanimous of gestures could soften.
I recognized her the moment she walked in with Käte, her eyes finding mine if only for a second. I had been shocked at the length she had gone to in order to see me again. I could have sworn that when she gave me her alias she put emphasis on the last syllable, like she wanted to discreetly give herself away to me and only me.
Natalia. Lea.
The worst part is, I actually had feelings for her. If it had been any other girl I wouldn't have cared.
It's heartless, it's inconsiderate. But one thing no one had to tell me was that the girls that write me letters, the ones that storm the platform of my train, the ones that are courageous enough to show up on the doorstep of my parents house only like me for who I am in public. I know not a single one of them sees past that farcical image.
But I know she does. I just know. She was the only one, out of all those girls, towards whom I felt an attraction to that didn't have to do with physical appearances.
Yes, she's beautiful for her age—stunning, in fact. But there's an intellectual, spirited, headstrong side to her that I like, a side that has frequently asserted itself in our conversations, try as she might to curb it. And there's a sort of sadness in her eyes as well, from what I don't know, but I would like to do nothing more than alleviate it.
I was awake the day she came into my room, all alone, without Käte at her heels. Of course, she would never have done what she did if she even had the slightest doubt that i was awake.
I can still hear her voice now, reverberating inside my skull, reaching deep into the corners of my soul.
Ich liebe dich, Manfred.
The feel of her lips on mine had awoken sensations deep inside of me that i hadn't allowed myself to feel in a horribly long time, electrifying, wild sensations that rendered me captive to the desires of my body and totally ignored those of my mind, totally cast aside all social constraints, all sense of duty—everything I had been raised to uphold.
I had let those sensations wash over me, consume me as I kissed her back. I enjoyed how pliable she was in my arms, how her lips parted when I stabbed my tongue between them, how warm the inside of her mouth was. I remembered with painstaking clarity how my blood began to turn to liquid fire the longer I held onto her, and suddenly, kissing her wasn't enough. I wanted more, so much more...
Her arms around my neck had been my breaking point. Reality had washed over me like a bucket of ice water, tossing me back into the present.
I was an aristocrat, a national hero, a soldier.
She was a working class girl, unacceptable in the eyes of my family and society.
It couldn't happen. I had had to stop it in the only way I knew how.
My heart literally snapped in two as I raged at her, watching her face crumple in shock and hurt. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, to explain my actions. But the apathetic soldier in me hastily forbid me to do so. Then Käte was there, smiling professionalism in a nurse's uniform. I watched Lea stride out of the room, watched the door slam shut behind her. And just for a second, I thought I could hear the sound of a person crying.
I listened carefully. Over the monotone sound of Käte rattling off the latest love letters I had received, I heard it. It was her after all. She was sitting there in the hallway, shedding tears because of me.
The realization made me feel like the most abominable being on earth.