What Happens After You?

Heartbreak.

Everyone talks about how you didn't deserve me. How I could have done better. I never actually believed that until now. I wish I could say that there was some striking revelation that made me realize. Something I could throw in your face. Like someone treating me better or something like that. But there isn't. We did a lot of dreaming about the future. Looking back I can't help it but to think about how naive that was. We probably never would have lasted as a married couple. We definitely wouldn't. But everything about that still felt real. To be honest, I don't really want a relationship if we aren't thinking about the future. Because what's the point if it isn't going somewhere? I never used to think like that. Mostly because I had never wanted to be married. I still don't. Not when I think about it. I don't want all the hard parts. The struggle it is to keep a marriage together. I think that's because as a kid, I believed you just fall in love with someone and it works for the rest of your life. Fuck Disney movies honestly. Our relationship made me realize that's not how it works. After us, I started seeing all the things in the relationships I watched on tv, and the ones around me that weren't so perfect. All the things you have to work through within yourself and with each other. It's kind of crazy how different your views on things can completely change in such a short amount of time. But then again, I think about how much I've changed in the things I like. When it comes to pop culture, or things I swore I would never love. But now I do. I think it's more significant when your views on something so important change. Something like love. I think that's why I noticed it so quickly. I had to pick up so many pieces after you. So many parts of my life that I suddenly wasn't so sure about. Things like love. Love was a piece I had to pick up, and figure out what to do with again. I think we often associate the feeling of heartbreak with actual breaking. But I've come to learn that's not what it is. Through a lot of pain, I've learned that's not what it is. You didn't break my heart. It isn't made out of glass. You can't throw it on the ground expecting it to break. Instead, you threw it on the ground, and the beautiful sculpture of love that I had made as a child became a smooshed blob on the floor. For months after you walked away, I just stared at it. Not bothering to pick it up. I watched as it took the form of a puddle on the floor, and I suddenly couldn't remember what it looked like before. The idea of creating a whole new sculpture out of the one you threw away scared me. So I left it there. But after some time, and quite a few stupid decisions, without even realizing it, some part of me decided that I couldn't just leave it on the floor, and I couldn't just stare at it forever. To this day, if someone asked, I probably still couldn't tell them what it is. But at least it isn't a blob anymore. At least it doesn't look like you.