What Happens After You?

Ramblings .

I am going to try to successfully ramble myself into writing something, because there are so many things in my brain right now. Something's always wrong and it's always his fault. That's funny isn't it? I have this deck of cards in my hand, and they're the ones I've been dealt, and I hate them. I hate them very much. I want to throw them away, and start with new ones, but is that what you do in a card game? I'm pretty sure that disqualifies you. Does that mean I'm disqualifying myself? Am I throwing my cards away simply because I don't know how to play? Shouldn't I at least learn? I haven't. Is it too hard? Are the cards I've been dealt to difficult to learn to play with? Is that why people die? They can't handle the cards they've been dealt? Are they too hard to play with? Too impossible to win with? Is that why some people throw theirs away? How do you throw them away and pick up brand new cards? How do I get myself off the confusing topic of comparing cards with someone's life? Do I have to be sad all the time? The answer is yes. I am sad all the time. I try to not be. I try to be positive, but the only thing that comes out is sad. Is that how I am inside? I don't think so. But maybe I'm lying to myself. Maybe all of me is sad all the time. I'd like to think that if that were true, I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything at all. And I do. I enjoy life so much sometimes it hurts. Is that my problem? I'm not internally sad, I just feel things, even amazing things, so deeply that they hurt? I remember having amazing days, and even at the end of them, I still cry, or I still want to. Maybe because they're over, and I want to be living them all the time. I do want to live them all the time. I try to avoid reminiscing, because it just makes me sad. I feel like every time I think about memories, my life just feels so sad compared. I think a lot of it has to do with the people. Because it's never about what I'm doing, and always about the people I spend it with. Which sucks even more when you feel so far away from them. When you feel like all the good things with them are so far behind you. Even when you know that they aren't necessarily.