Dear Misguided Brain

11/16/18

  We can't afford Christmas this year.

I used to love the holidays.  The autumn colors, the crisp cold breezes, and the smell of fireplaces were all things I looked forward to since our summers normally average 110 degrees.  Even when my marriage was still new and compulsive gambling left us with barely enough money to pay rent, I still looked forward to the *NSYNC holiday album and pretty Christmas lit houses. This year, I'd rather sit on my bathroom floor, alone, with a razor blade to my leg.  I was hyped to help my elderly parents plan their first feast in their new house, but now the thought of being around my a**hole siblings makes me want to crawl into a hole.

  The day started of fine. I had to run some errands, one being a trip to the mall, and all it took was for one stupid little thing like, Payless not having black knee high boot socks, to set me off. Then, I'd forgotten my freebie coupons for Bath & Body Works...I felt a meltdown coming on. My husband asked me why, when I told him I felt one coming...obviously if I knew why, I would find a way to stop it. To make matters worse, The f***ing humongous Christmas tree and Santa Claus took center stage, so bypassing it was not an option, and EVERY SINGLE STORE was playing cheery holiday music.  One look at that tree made my bottom lip tremble and tears well in my eyes.  I took a few deep breaths, kept my head down and hauled a** through the mall with my sunglasses on.

  On to my eyewear.  I had to return my glasses since they fit awful.  I was hoping to return them (btw a 30 day money back guarantee is without insurance). So where I was hoping for a refund to lower a credit card payment, my only option was a one-time free-of-charge replacement. Second time in less than an hour I felt unstable emotionally. My husband is embarrassed, I know, but he puts up with it.  I don't know why...I sure as hell wouldn't.  

Onward to my favorite store, Target.  Let me give you a quick background on this place.  After 17 years of raising a family and not having a job, I decided it was time for me to get back out there, inspired by Target's impromptu job fair for holiday help. The wage was right and who better to work for than a company who gives back to the community and employs amazing people?  I filled out an app and roughed a quick resume.  I felt like I nailed the interview, answering questions with thought and honesty.  I was told I would hear back in two weeks if they wanted me for a second interview. Not even five days later, I received an email of rejection. My heart broke and my ego took a huge hit.  So, every time I walk into Target (yes, I still shop there) I get a little melancholy.  So here I am, already on the verge of a breakdown, in a store trying to figure out what we can afford for household necessities, giving up my needs for my family, because that's what a mom does.  There are 5 of us girls in here, so as you can imagine, we need a lot. We made it out of there spending under $100. *gasp* I know, right?  Who does that?

  I made it through the check out without crying and we head back to pick up my new glasses. I feel renewed in these spectacles, so things start to look up.  We check out a different shoe store and find my boot socks. Another plus.  After practically begging, I get to go to Petland and the awesome salesman let's me play with an adorable Akita puppy.  She (the puppy) saved me today. I don't think that guy (Carlos, the salesman) knows what he did for me and how much it meant.  I leave happy, in high spirits with an "I can do anything" attitude.

  My girls come home from school at staggering times, over the span of an hour; one in high school, one in jr high, and two in elementary.  To their surprise, Mommy is in a cheerful mood, unlike yesterday (I don't really want to go there).  All goes well until I realize, I have to call my mother, with whom I have a difficult relationship.

This lady (my mother), who had invited the entire family (2siblings, one with 3 kids & my family of 7* including my oldest and her bf), starts explaining how she wants no one in her house for Thanksgiving.  Holy hell. My head was about to explode.  Nothing like waiting until the last minute.  Then she proceeds to explain how my father is making all kinds of plans without her knowledge. I somewhat understand how this happens...it's a communication error in the household, but own it, don't pass the blame.  I had already offered my time to stay over and help her with whatever she needed, over a month ago. 30 plus days we'd been planning and she claims to have no knowledge of anyone coming to eat dinner in her big house at the table, fitting 12, which she bought JUST FOR THANKSGIVING.  I politely told her I had to go and after hanging up, had a silent meltdown in my bathroom over wtf am I supposed to do for dinner.  Since it wasn't budgeted for, bills got paid instead.  Yeah...the holidays are stressful and this sh*t may just be the death of me.  

 I actually uttered the words, "I hate the holiday season" OUT LOUD;  something, I never thought I'd say in my lifetime.  The child in me really wants to be happy and sing Christmas songs and be merry, but the adult over rules the child at 95%.

    I miss having friends, and I think being lonely by these means, is partly to blame for my attitude this year.  I wasn't always this way. I'd always had friends.  Then the anxiety came in to play when I was in high school and, well, I honestly can't say I know what happened there.  I don't know if I drove them all away or if I scared them off...  it was lonely being around only kids.  I needed adult conversations, so I put myself out there.  Now, I'm back to square one. Within the past 10 or so years, every time I made a friend and we got close, they moved away.  And I mean, far away, not within visiting distance, and I would reach out only to be shut out.  So in my head, what's the point if it means heart break every time?   I consider myself to be fun to hang around with.  I'm not stupid, although on my down days, I would argue with that statement.  I have a great sense of humor, can laugh at myself, and am relatively intelligent. I love to play video games, especially racing POV, and card and board games.  I love to write, on my good days.  I've always been a writer, but with the sadness I've been going through, I've dragged my feet on finishing anything.  Things I used to love to do, I just don't care about anymore.  I really try to push the bad days, let go and remind myself how damn lucky I am to have such a wonderful family, a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, etc.  Sometimes,  I get in my head and I can't get out.  Days like today, I have almost no control over my emotions.  I'm surprised I was able to hold back the tears. Yesterday was a disaster and I opened a floodgate, eventually crying myself to sleep, over gift cards (like I said, I don't want to get into it).  So, as I do every night, I tell myself today is done so let it go and tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning.  So, here's to the disaster of a day being done and over with and hope that tomorrow brings smiles and laughter.

Good night.