Dear Misguided Brain

12/15/18

  I learn something new about myself everyday and then I let it go.  

  After much deliberation, I've decided, for my own well being, that I will stop living my life according to what everyone expects of me and do what makes me happy.  I am going to pick up  my writing again and publish my first book right here on wattpad.  I'm excited, nervous, and anxious to get it up, but in all probability, it won't be until the first of the year.

  I realized, as I was stressing about everything I need to get done, I don't have to do it.  I stressed myself out about baking, making Christmas cards, and using my free time to do whatever else for others, meanwhile I don't feel like doing it.  So, I made an executive decision to say f**k it! I don't care for the season this year, and why waste my own time to make cards that will eventually get tossed and bake cookies and breads for people who will probably turn them down thinking because they're gluten and dairy free, they'll be grosss.  The most important things are to pay the bills and take time for the kiddos.  There are multiple trees up (one big and several smaller ones) so I needn't worry about them dissing the holiday season every year.  It's one year and they understand.  They've actually told me , they want little or nothing because they have everything already.  

  It's been ok, mood wise.  I've been super tired the past week, regardless of how much sleep I get.  I attribute it to some weird planetary alignment or whichever one is currently or will be going into retrograde.  I just hope it ends soon.  And still haven't decided whether we want to do Christmas Eve at my parent's house. There really isn't room for us since my uncle moved in there.  So there wouldn't be privacy for us adults.  If they wanted to take the kids, I'd be ok with that.

  Ok, honesty time.  I feel somewhat at ease speaking here, anonymously.  I'm not sure how many people go through this, but here it goes.  

  My husband was a compulsive gambler and alcoholic for the majority of our marriage, only recently having quit.  So for those years, I was verbally abused and sometimes physically accosted, but accepted it because I saw it in my own parent's relationship growing up.  My kids were NEVER affected, I made sure of that.  I was used to him not being here, and having my own time and space and now that he's around, I almost feel like he's intruding in my life.  It sounds horrible as I write it.  Also, I'm now getting to know him as a person and I sometimes feel like we are completely incompatible,  yet, I don't dare say anything because he insists that he loves me with all of his heart and I don't ever want to break anyone.  I know what it feels like and I don't wish it upon anyone.  So do I stay and try to make it work? I know marriage is work and we do get along most of the time.  But I don't want to be silent anymore.  I want to speak my mind and do what makes me happy instead of what his idea is of me or who I need to be for him.  I mean, there are days when I look at him and I really do love him, but there are others where I wonder what my life would be like if I'd had the opportunity to actually date people.  I never did actually date anyone, ever.  When he'd quit drinking a few years ago, I'd suggested we separate and date each other to see if we were good for each other, but he shot it down.

  Sometimes I feel like he purposely says negative things to me when I'm feeling good about myself, in order to keep me at bay.  To keep me from thinking about getting a job, or having friends.  He's always been insecure about us and it worries me, since our older girls are approaching dating age, that they'll see how he treats me and see it as acceptable.  I speak with them often about it, so they know, but you can't change stripes over night and it's the same for what you've seen your whole life.

  I'm a romantic at heart, so I tend to romanticize EVERYTHING.  If you read my stories, you will see.  I put my heart into every single one of them. I love the cheesy Christmas movies, even though I'm not much in the spirit right now, and my favorite is a Christmas Kiss.  It's a great story with heart.  I've always had my dreams, the one thing NO ONE can take from me, and I've always had my little celebrity crushes I would play out through dreams or writing, but one in particular has me wondering about life and the depths of it.  Are there really other realms?  Could there be a chance this person and I have a connection although never meeting?  Am I crazy?  It breaks me a little to know that even though I don't think about this person, they aren't in my life, I still dream of them; of us, like we have a connection.  I could reach out, but fear breaking the heart of my betrothed and coming across to the other as a psychopath stalker (totally not the case).  Plus, in front of this person, I'll be a tongue tied mess.  But still, some stupid childish part of me has an odd hope that one day, I'll have the opportunity and they'll magically respond that they too have dreamt of me and, we'll, I have no clue where to go from there, because it'll be a mess.

The biggest mess of all is that I've been a door mat most of my life.  Yep, me who speaks her mind, lets everyone, including the children, walk all over me.  So, when someone finally pushes me over the edge, and I stand up for myself they take tell me to calm down, acting like I'm overreacting.  If you're a mom or a dad, practically raising the kids by yourself and do all of the work where they should be helping, you understand.  They take me for granted.  They take advantage of my generosity and compassion and continually knock me down, until I'm even further than I had been before.  And when I've gotten to the point where I've had enough and threaten to take away phones or tablets, then they throw fits and, we'll, it gets ugly and ends up with me spanking or going into seclusion.  At some point I've lost control and I'm not sure how to regain it.  I could use super nanny right about now.  

    I guess I'll leave on this note...I am human and humans make mistakes.  I own them and try to learn from them, but sometimes it's hard for me to let go of them.

  For now, I bid you a good night and hope the best, for tomorrow is a new day.