Dear Misguided Brain

11/29/18

  Sorry for my absence. I didn't forget about this.  I was honestly either too exhausted from Thanksgiving break or too lazy to write.  It's been mundane since The holiday ended and the kids are back in school.

  Soooo...  The day before Thanksgiving was, how should I say this? The biggest emotional breakdown I've had in a while.  The husband has been very adamant about divorcing me so I can be happy (he really doesn't understand that would only make it worse) and all it took was for one small thing to send me into emotional turmoil.  I didn't just have a meltdown, I had a break through.  I got it ALL out, but the very next day, everything went right back to the same ol sh*t.  Doesn't surprise me, though.  I feel a little better mentally, now that I've let all my anger, sadness, and distress out.  

  Ever since, I have been a little on edge, like inside full of anxiousness. I still haven't started my meds because I really really really don't want to be on them.  My doctor did say he thought I should just try the new diet and some exercise to see if that makes a difference before going on meds.  I feel guilty for costing so much since I have to be gluten and dairy free.  I'm still learning as it's only been a month, but my gluten free foods are expensive.  We are a family of 6 so our food budget is really tight.  I have already noticed a difference in the way my body feels since getting rid of all dairy and gluten.  Hell, I've lost 6lbs already, averaging the safe 2lbs per week.  Another benefit.  But I'm still sad.

  I'm sad because I've lost or had to hide /get rid of so much of me, I don't know where I fit in; What my purpose in life is.  The latest, of course, being my writing.  I've thought about closet writing, so no one would know, but I would have no time.  Husband is busy playing his game, but the second I go into the closet, he'd be on the room, like instinctually he'd know I was doing something I'm not supposed to be.  I was thinking about painting, but I feel like it would be labeled junk, like the rest of my "crafts" and tossed, so another waste of time.  I could make cards, but, to be completely honest, I don't feel like it.  

  I'm trying to get into the season, but it's hard and I feel like I'm fighting myself, internally.  I decorated a mini tree and a wreath for our front porch, and made a runner with a sleigh filled  scented cinnamon pine cones for my table.  I helped my youngest decorate a vase and basket with ornaments.  That was it.  He brought all of the Christmas decorations here from storage, and said it's his house too, so he wanted to put stuff up, but all I've seen is a lot of him playing his game.  To be fair, we have been doing some running around, but his last day off, he did nothing.

  Today, we ran out to the Palms casino to get our free gift, which was a lightweight zip up hoodie with the logo, and the line, albeit moving fast, was about a mile long.  It looked like Black Friday at Kohl's. (I'll get to that in a moment)  So, I had a moment where I wanted to feel like the sexy woman everyone gawks at, so I wore a knee length dress and knee high boots.  Well, standing in that line, with a scarf and faux leather jacket, I started to roast.  Then I felt my face get hot and all I wanted to do was go outside.  All the sudden there were too many people surrounding me and I felt sick to my stomach.  I got on my phone as a way to distract myself, and it somewhat worked. We couldn't get out of there fast enough.  And by the time we got outside, the winds had picked up slightly and it was sprinkling.  I felt like someone heard my prayer for a way to cool down.  We made a quick stop in Target to pick up Christmas gifts and that's when the winds really picked up.  I don't know how many people were around when that happened,  but they got a surprise peep show.  It does seem like all of my embarrassing moments seem to happen at Target.  I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't go there anymore, or maybe it's making me stronger?  Jury is out.

  Ok, now, to Black Friday, or actually, Thanksgiving night.  It was my first time being out and it wasn't bad.  I had my three oldest kids with me and we set our sights on the mall, housing Kohl's and Bath & Body Works.  It was lovely to see our favorite store manager and B&B Works, and she was delightful as ever,  raving the madness that filled the store.  Across the way was a just as packed VS, which I had no intention of trying.  Over all, there were a handful of stores that were rushed,  up not too many people really walking around.  I had sent husband back down to Kohls, as I'd left my oldest down there to stand in line (she's a champ) and continued my shopping.  Amidst all the people, I did ok.  I didn't freak out, felt safe in that store, oddly.  The next day, however, we returned to Kohls to make an exchange and purchase more sale items of course.   Nothing, and I mean nothing, prepared me for the line I was about to stand in for an hour.  Luckily, I had husband with me and one of us would stand in line while the other browsed the sales.  Happily, and a bit turkey hungover, we walked out spending under $100 and got some items we'd been needing or wanting.

  So, the little things that seem to trigger me right now are all of the holiday treats I would  normally have, like cordial cherries or peppermint kisses or hot cocoa M&Ms and the realization that I have to give them up as well.  This diet, although much healthier, depresses me at times.  I will then, uneventfully, go home and pout (yes, like a child).  No one really seems to understand how hard this is.  When I quit drinking, it was sort of easy, I was diagnosed with a heart condition.  He did still drink a lot around me,  it I stayed strong.  When I quit smoking, I had gotten the flu so bad I stayed in bed for 4 days and it was the last thing on my mind.  Plus it was easier not being around anyone else that smoked, and we had just moved into a new place.  But this, I can't force my kids to change their diet because of me.  Although it is healthier to a degree, but for what it costs me alone, we'd never be able to afford having the entire family on this diet.

  Well, my girls all have a doctor appointment in the morning and I've got to light a fire for them to finish homework and chores before bed. I hope this entry suffices for the time I've missed.  I'm feeling rather upbeat for now.  Have a good night/ day.